Karmic Writer
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You lied. You fucking lied to my face. All those months we spent talking, building a connection, sharing our lives, it was all a facade. Behind my back, you were entangled with another girl, weaving a web of deceit and betrayal. Each time you claimed to be busy, each time you said you couldn't make time for me, it was all a lie. And now, here I am, shattered and broken, while you bask in the happiness you found with someone else.

I trusted you. I believed every word you said, hanging on to the hope that we had something real. But it was all smoke and mirrors, a cruel game played at my expense. How could you do this to me? How could you watch me invest my heart and soul into something that was never genuine?

The pain is overwhelming. It consumes me, gnawing at my core, leaving me gasping for air. I try to make sense of it all, to understand why you would inflict such anguish upon me. But there are no answers that can quell the storm raging within my heart.

I am left here, struggling to recover from the wreckage of our shattered connection. I am left with the bitter taste of betrayal, the bitter realization that I was nothing more than a disposable placeholder in your life. The nights are filled with tears and sleepless agony, as I wonder what I did wrong, how I failed to see through your lies.

I remember the days when it was just you and me, entwined in the delicate dance of love's embrace. We would talk for hours, sharing our deepest thoughts and dreams. Your words painted a vivid portrait of our future, a tapestry of hope and togetherness. In those moments, I saw the best of you, and I loved every part.

But little did I know, there was a secret you held close, a betrayal concealed within your heart. You'd talk to her, even when we were together. Our connection wasn't enough to satisfy your hunger for her presence. Despite my unwavering love, you sought solace in her words, her laughter, and her touch. You craved something beyond what we had, and that shattered my soul.

I loved you at your worst, when your flaws were laid bare and vulnerability took hold. Through the storms of life, I stood by your side, offering comfort and understanding. I believed in the power of love, in its ability to heal and transform. But as I held you in your darkest moments, it seemed that my devotion meant nothing. The depths of my love were not enough to outweigh the allure of another.

It took you only two weeks to cast aside the promises we made and embrace a new connection with her. Two weeks of lies and deceit, while I remained oblivious to the truth. You didn't technically cheat, but you became a traitor to the love we shared. You broke the unspoken code of loyalty, trading our intimate bond for a fleeting connection with her.

I don't blame you, but sometimes I wish we never met. It's not because you've caused me any harm or inflicted pain upon my heart. No, it's quite the opposite. You've brought me joy, love, and an array of emotions I never thought possible. But there are moments when the weight of our connection becomes too much to bear, and I find myself yearning for a life untouched by your presence.

Do you remember the first time our paths crossed? It was as if the universe conspired to bring us together, weaving our lives into an intricate tapestry of shared moments and shared dreams. I was drawn to your smile, your laughter, the way your eyes danced with a spark of mischief. And in that instant, I knew my world would never be the same.

But as time goes on, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if our destinies had never intertwined. Would I still have the same restless nights, longing for your touch? Would my heart ache with the bittersweet melodies of memories we created, only to fade away like whispers in the wind?

You see, it's not that I regret our connection. It's that I often question if our paths were meant to merge, if our love was destined to be entangled in this cosmic dance. Sometimes, in the darkest hours of the night, when silence envelops my thoughts, I ponder the possibility of a life untouched by the heartache that accompanies such profound affection.

In this alternate reality, I imagine myself as a solitary figure, wandering through the labyrinth of life without the echoes of your laughter in my ears. The ache in my chest dissipates, replaced by an unfamiliar emptiness. Yet, at times, even this void seems less daunting than the swirling tempest of emotions that accompany our connection.

But then, my mind drifts back to the memories we've built together. The warmth of your embrace, the tenderness of your words, and the way your presence brings solace to my weary soul. In those moments, I'm reminded of the depth of our bond, the love that courses through my veins, and the joy that you bring to my life.

So, my dear, while there are moments when I wish we never met, they are fleeting thoughts, washed away by the tide of affection that anchors me to you. I don't blame you for the complexities of our connection. Instead, I embrace the beauty and the challenges that come with loving you.

For in the end, it's the intertwining of our lives that shapes us into the individuals we are today. It's the shared laughter, the tears shed in each other's arms, and the growth that blossoms from our union. And even though the road ahead may be filled with uncertainty, I choose to walk it hand in hand with you, grateful for the love we share, despite the fleeting whispers of an alternate reality where we never met.

The morning after I tried killing myself, I found myself waking up to a world that felt indifferent to my existence. As I opened my eyes, the room was cloaked in a dim, melancholic light, casting long shadows across the walls. I expected the air to feel different, as if life had suddenly taken on a newfound vibrance, but it didn't. The skies weren't extra blue, nor were they filled with hope. They remained an unyielding expanse of gray, mirroring the heaviness in my heart.

The sounds of the streets outside carried on as they always had, a chaotic symphony of car engines, distant conversations, and hurried footsteps. But they didn't bring solace to my weary soul. The clamor seemed to grow louder, each noise a reminder of the life I so desperately wanted to escape. It felt as though the world had turned its back on me, its indifference a crushing weight upon my fragile shoulders.

The pain of the night before still clung to my body, a persistent ache that seeped into my bones. It was a physical manifestation of the turmoil within, a constant reminder of the depths from which I had tried to claw my way out. The wounds on my skin, still fresh and raw, served as scars of my battle with darkness. They whispered stories of despair, etched upon my flesh, and I couldn't escape their haunting presence.

The feeling of failure gnawed at my soul, its relentless grip tightening with each passing moment. I had hoped that the morning sun would bring clarity, that it would wash away the doubts and self-recrimination. But instead, I found myself drowning in a sea of remorse, unable to shake off the weight of my perceived inadequacies. The echoes of my perceived shortcomings reverberated in my mind, taunting me, mocking me.

In that desolate morning, I realized that the morning after isn't always a magical turning point. It's not always a moment of epiphany or a gateway to newfound appreciation for life. Sometimes, it's just another agonizing step in a long, winding journey. It's a reminder that healing takes time, that the scars we carry cannot be erased overnight.

But within the depths of despair, a flicker of hope remained, fragile yet resilient. It whispered of the possibility of healing, of growth, of finding solace in unexpected places. It reminded me that the journey was far from over, that there were still chapters left to write, stories yet to be told.

And so, with each passing day, I held onto that flicker of hope. I reached out for help, leaning on the kindness and compassion of others. I sought solace in art, in nature, and in the quiet moments of introspection. Slowly, imperceptibly, the pain began to lose its grip, and the darkness began to recede.

The morning after may not have been a miraculous transformation, but it was a small step forward—a testament to resilience and the enduring spirit of the human soul. It was a reminder that even in the darkest of moments, there is still the possibility of finding light. And with that glimmer of hope, I vowed to keep moving forward, to embrace the struggle, and to continue the arduous journey towards healing.

I hope to wander through the corridors of your mind, leaving traces of my existence that stir a tempest within your soul. Yet, not in the gentle caress of fond memories, but rather in a way that unveils the jagged edges of your actions and brings forth a poignant ache you fail to grasp. May my presence be a haunting reminder of how callously you treated me, a mirror to reflect upon the darkness you once bestowed upon my heart.

I yearn to occupy your thoughts, not as a beacon of longing, but as a specter of realization. Let the weight of my absence fall upon your shoulders, unveiling the depth of your transgressions. For you see, no other soul could heal you as I did. No other being possessed the power to mold your essence into something greater, to ignite the flame of your potential. I crave that moment when the truth dawns upon you, an epiphany that I was the key to unlocking your hidden depths.

With each passing girl, I hope to dance upon the periphery of your consciousness. As their allure captivates your gaze, may it be my essence that whispers in your ear, reminding you of the void left by my departure. And as melodies fill the air, every note, every hum, every lyrical verse, I long to infiltrate your mind, threading myself within the fabric of your thoughts. Let my essence be intertwined with the very essence of your being, an inescapable presence that resonates within your core.

Even the mundane aspects of life should serve as reminders of my absence. When you open a book and lose yourself in its pages, may my name flutter across your mind, a pang of longing that stains each word. The strands of your hair, once touched by my fingers, should carry the weight of my memory. And when you savor your favorite meal, its taste should awaken the regret within you, a bitter aftertaste of what you let slip through your grasp.

Above all, I hope my phantom presence pushes you to the precipice of sanity. May the guilt you bear become an overwhelming burden, threatening to shatter the fragile fragments of your mind. Let it consume your thoughts, torment your dreams, and drive you to the brink of desperation. For in that darkness, perhaps you will understand the magnitude of your actions, and the magnitude of the love you discarded so carelessly.

 


September 2021 felt like a rebirth, though not in a positive way. It was a moment that struck me deeply, and its impact has lingered ever since. At times, it fades into the background, concealed by the facade of a well-functioning life. But on my darkest days, it resurfaces, reminding me that I can never return to who I once was.

Perhaps some would label it as trauma, but I am hesitant to accept that notion. I refuse to acknowledge that I allowed someone to inflict such damage upon me. It might have been less surprising if I had been the cause, but to allow another person to invade my being, coursing through my veins, intertwining with every fiber of my being, and then to witness them shatter everything from within—it feels foolish, even naive.

There is nothing I desire more than to proclaim that this phase has passed. To reassure myself with the timeless adage, "This too shall pass." Yet, I find myself questioning its validity. Will it truly fade away? This question haunts me daily. I wish I could aptly articulate the sensation, but it defies simple description. It is not a burden that I carry, like a lost traveler weighed down by an immense suitcase, desperately searching for the right train. No, it is more akin to being that traveler at the station, with a modest carry-on, prepared to embark on my journey. Yet, somehow, the train's regulations forbid small bags from boarding. Bizarre, isn't it? That's precisely how it feels. I now find myself waiting at the station, yearning for a compassionate conductor who will grant me passage, while stubbornly clutching onto my small bag. As fanciful as this may sound, I assure you it is tragically true. It permeates every action and influences every decision, as if I am a marionette, manipulated by an unseen puppeteer.

"It is by Allah's mercy that you are gentle to them; and had you been harsh and hardhearted, surely they would have scattered from around you. So excuse them, and plead for forgiveness for them, and consult them in the affairs, and once you are resolved, put your trust in Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who trust in Him." (Quran 3:159) I strive to hold steadfast to these words, but I must admit that some days are arduous. Some days, I manage to follow them, while on others, I choose not to.


Every time I think about you, a flame of anger dances within me, casting a shadow over the remnants of what we once had. It's a peculiar sensation, a fusion of resentment and longing, as if my heart is torn between two worlds. Seeing you happy, oblivious to the pain you caused, intensifies this mix of emotions, forcing me to question the fairness of life.

In the recesses of my mind, thoughts of you linger, but not in the way one might expect. It's not a desperate yearning for your return, nor an echo of lost affection. No, it's a haunting remembrance of how dare you. How dare you inflict such wounds upon my soul, leaving scars that may never fully heal.

I don't love you anymore. That's a truth I've come to accept, like the setting sun bidding farewell to the day. The love we once shared has withered, evaporating like morning dew beneath the scorching rays of reality. Yet, despite this newfound liberation from the chains of affection, there remains an odd fascination with your presence in my thoughts.

You see, you're like an enigmatic character in a novel, someone whose actions and motives provoke both frustration and intrigue. It's as if the ink that writes your story carries a bittersweet charm, drawing my pen to narrate the fragments of our shattered connection. Though the love has faded, the power you hold within my imagination remains captivating.

Maybe it's the contradiction that lies at the heart of human nature—the intertwining of resentment and fascination. It's a paradox we can all relate to, for we've all encountered moments of injustice, moments that make us question the cosmic fairness of it all. It's through this lens that my words seek to resonate with those who have known the sting of betrayal and the confusion of emotions that follow.

And so, I write about you. I write to unleash the fury and anguish that still linger within, to give voice to the thoughts and feelings that refuse to be silenced. Each word is a brushstroke on the canvas of my catharsis, an attempt to navigate the complexities of our shared history and the aftermath of your actions.

In this process, I find solace and healing, for writing grants me the power to redefine our narrative. It allows me to transform pain into art, to extract meaning from the chaos of emotions. You become a muse, a character upon whom I project my frustrations and aspirations, as I mold and shape the story that once held us together.

So, as the chapters of my life turn, and the memories of you fade into the distance, I no longer hold onto love, but rather the lessons learned. And you, my dear, become a captivating figure in the tapestry of my writing—fascinating, yet ultimately distant.

I adored you, once upon a time, when the world was painted in hues of innocence and trust. Your presence was like a comforting breeze, your smile a beacon of warmth that could melt the coldest hearts. We shared moments brimming with laughter and tenderness, woven together with the threads of a beautiful bond. But alas, life has a cruel way of unraveling the most cherished connections.

You just had to change, didn't you? The gradual transformation seeped into every facet of your being, casting shadows upon the brilliance I once admired. Your smile, once genuine and captivating, began to wear a mask of deceit. Its radiance now harbored a hidden agenda, concealing the truth behind a carefully constructed facade. I could no longer trust the sincerity that once danced in your eyes.

And then there was your touch, once tender and reassuring. It used to ignite a spark of comfort deep within me, like the soft caress of a summer breeze against my skin. But as time passed, that touch transformed into something else entirely. It became a weapon of manipulation, leaving behind a trail of scars etched upon my soul. Each contact sent shivers down my spine, no longer from delight, but from the fear of the unknown.

The transformation was subtle, at first, like a ripple on a tranquil pond. But as the waves grew stronger, so did my awareness of the changes in you. It felt as though I was trapped in a twisted labyrinth, desperately searching for the path we once walked together, only to find it swallowed by the darkness of your altered self. I longed for the way things used to be, the innocence we once shared, but it seemed like a distant memory now.

My heart mourned the loss of the person I adored, the one who ignited a flame within me. I yearned for the return of that genuine smile, the touch that offered solace instead of pain. But sometimes, love isn't enough to salvage what has been tainted by change. So, with a heavy heart, I must release my grip on the person you used to be, bidding farewell to the illusions that once held me captive.

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