Lately, I’ve been on TikTok, scrolling to find inspiration on what I could journal about. I realize that in another life, I could’ve been any of those creators—the video editing, the content ideas, the confidence of being in front of the camera. Realistically, I could do any of those. So what’s stopping me?

I want to be more creative, and I do believe I have a lot to say—things that some people might even agree with. And it feels so much easier than journaling about it. Don’t get me wrong, journaling is also fun, but with videos and visuals, I could add pictures and reference other videos. Maybe it just takes too much effort?

the perfume tester — because it smells like you

the same lipstick i’ve been wearing since last year

a receipt from lunch, except it was one meal short

my mini tripod, in case i get lonely and need to talk to myself

my handmade journal

a small packet of tissue, in case i think of you again

1. people asking when i’ll be back in kl (girl… when i have a job)
2. planning ahead (i’m unemployed, i’m not even sure i can survive today)
3. seeing people get married (unjustified)
4. seeing people travel (should be me fr)
5. when men ask what i do for work (being unemployed is embarrassing)
6. explaining my situation to men i talk to (i rent in kl but i’m in jb… whatever man)
7. happiness in general?? (give me a break)

i tried prying open the pomegranate but failed. i’ve never been good at it—you would know. this fruit has been sitting on the counter for a while now, and i’ve been subconsciously avoiding it. it reminds me too much of you.

it was your unspoken duty to pry them open for me. they were always too hard for me, but they were sweet, so i liked them. maybe too sweet. and we both know i’ve never been very good at holding onto things that are too sweet for me. just look at you, for instance.

when something is that hard and that sweet, you have to be careful not to break what matters.

i finally hear the crack of the outer shell. and then, just like that, the seeds scatter across the counter. i rush to wipe it off, but it stains. it seeps in, mixes with my tears.

and suddenly nothing is going right in my life—and you, forever stained too.

favourites

• family
• close friends

frequently contacted

• long distance friends
• dad

all contacts

• neighbours
• old classmates
• guys i matched with
• kids i used to teach

recents

• dad
• friends in the same city
• job recruiters

deleted

• friends i fought with
• old situationships
• my dead mum’s number
• restaurants i don’t go to anymore
• ex-managers

produce aisle

• firsts and beginnings
• first day of school
• first friend
• first heartbreak

staples

• daily routine
• sleep schedule
• skincare routine

frozen aisle

• what could’ve been
• old dreams
• untaken paths

snacks

• guilty pleasures
• sounds of laughter
• inside jokes

bakery

• nostalgia
• the trace of a familiar scent
• old pictures
• my journal from when i was 15

dairy

• relationships
• friendships
• everyday people i meet

cleaning supplies

• long paragraphs
• unsaid apologies

canned goods

• hard times
• friends who unintentionally hurt me
• coping mechanisms

health and wellness

• allergies
• moments when i put my ego aside

1. tissues (not the kitchen ones, we don’t use those anymore)
2. coffee (the brand she used to buy)
3. bread (small, for one)
4. wet wipes (to clear out her fridge)
5. detergent (the one that smells like her)

not getting into the high school i want and i split up with my friends

changing classes in 2015 and splitting with my friends

moving away from home at 18

first friendship breakup at 18

second friendship break up at 20 

online classes for covid

first heartbreak at 22

burntout from first job that i used to love at 23

the death of my cat at 25

the death of my mother at 26

losing my second job i love at 27

I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m not really a “music person,” and it definitely showed while I was reading this book. Sure, I listen to music and enjoy it, but only on a surface level. This book, however, dives deep into musical details I honestly couldn’t be bothered to understand. Even from a writer’s perspective, it didn’t give me much. Percy is undeniably a good writer (and songwriter), and she’s clearly passionate about music—enough to write about it despite her own insecurities about her talent. Maybe in another life I could’ve related to her, but not in this one.

Joe, on the other hand, was a loser from the beginning. I think we can all agree on that. He struggled in school, relied heavily on his long-term girlfriend just to get by, and although he had the trauma of losing his mother and dealing with his father’s alcoholism, he was still… a loser. And later on, possibly a cheater.

The story itself follows the familiar “will-they-won’t-they” romance trope, but it’s also more than that. It explores music, grief, alcoholism, passion, talent, pretty much all of the above. I went into this book completely unaware that it was going to be so music-focused. When I finally realized it, I also noticed the cover actually resembles an album or vinyl sleeve. Makes sense in hindsight.

The biggest plot twist for me was the hotel scene. Was I surprised they got together? Kind of, yeah. Probably because the book is only told from Percy’s point of view, and Joe never really showed any romantic interest in her, at least nothing beyond friendship. He even made it clear the night after his first show, didn’t he? And honestly, the complete disregard for Percy’s serious relationship, plus Joe hiding his own relationship(s), felt like a major dick move.

There were a lot of characters in this book—some important, some forgettable, some I skimmed through—but I did like that Percy (and Joe, I guess) eventually mended things with Zoe. I’ll admit I still don’t fully understand how their fallout even happened. I reread that part several times. But Zoe was good to her, even from the start.

Overall, aside from not being interested in the technical side of music (probably because I just couldn’t relate), I’d say the writing was definitely immersive, and the ending was genuinely satisfying.

Dear Future Me,