It's incredible how I keep coming back to this place merely to express my happiness and gratitude for what I have. It seems to be the only thing I can think of to talk about at the moment. As has been stated numerous times before, this year has unquestionably taken a turn. I was miserable, self-loathing, and at rock bottom, and I didn't even realize it at the time, but now I'm as high as you could possibly be on drugs, and I didn't even know it.

In the quiet solitude of my heart, I extend my sincere wishes for a joyous Ramadan to you. As the holy month unfolds before us, I find myself reflecting upon the journey I have embarked upon, one that has largely been about my personal growth and self-discovery.

Reminiscing about the past, I recall the Ramadan of the previous year. Although I felt a sense of solitude back then, I still had friends who stood by my side, ready to join me for Sahur, the pre-dawn meal, or to break fast together in the evenings. It was a time of togetherness, where the bonds of friendship were fortified by our shared devotion. Furthermore, I was occupied with work, which served as a constant companion, diverting my attention from the feelings of solitude that occasionally crept in. And in those moments when I longed for companionship, I had someone dependable, a go-to person, upon whom I could rely.

Yet, as this year's Ramadan dawns upon me, I find myself in a different place, both physically and mentally. I am alone. But in the depths of my being, I have come to embrace this solitude as a companion of its own. It is through this solitude that I have begun to find solace and nourishment for my soul. It has become a space for introspection, a canvas upon which I can paint the colors of self-discovery.

In this stillness, I am learning to embrace my own company, finding contentment within myself. The absence of external distractions has granted me the opportunity to delve into the depths of my being, to explore the intricacies of my thoughts and emotions. Through this process, I am unraveling the layers that shroud my true essence, unveiling the person I am meant to become.

While I may miss the camaraderie of previous Ramadans, I believe that this period of solitude holds its own unique benefits. It is a time of self-nurturing, where I can focus solely on my spiritual growth and nourish the flame of faith within me. In the stillness of the night, I find myself turning to prayer and contemplation, seeking a deeper connection with the Divine.

Though the path may seem solitary, I know that the lessons learned during this Ramadan will have a lasting impact on my life. Through the solitude, I am learning self-reliance and resilience. I am discovering the strength that lies within, as I draw closer to my own essence and purpose.

I STARTED TO LOVE 

Like everything I've done has been a sham. Until today, I've been a shell of my former self. In retrospect, I wonder, "Who was she? When I finally asked myself, "Why did she do that?" everything started to make sense. I'm there in the moment, and I'm aware of it. I used to feel like I was playing a game.

For so long, I've been drifting through life, haunted by a sense of emptiness. Regret was my constant companion, weighing me down with every step. But this year, something changed. It was as if a flicker of light ignited within me, and I began to truly embrace who I am. It's a rarity to find myself surrounded by people I genuinely enjoy, but when it happens, it's only with those who truly bring me joy. This newfound clarity has transformed my existence, and it's been a welcome change of pace.

Of course, there are still moments of hardship and challenges along the way. But even those bitter experiences hold a bittersweet beauty, for they serve as reminders of the lessons I've learned. Life has a way of guiding us through both highs and lows, shaping us into stronger individuals.

As a linguistics student, I recently completed my degree. The three years that once seemed never-ending suddenly passed by in a flash. From the time of the outbreak to the reopening of the university, I anxiously awaited a placement for my internship. So much has transpired in such a short span of time.

This month, I can proudly say that I've achieved success through hard work and dedication. I've made a conscious effort to spend quality time with the people who matter most to me, and as a result, I've found a newfound stability. I've rediscovered the joys of traveling and taking care of myself, things I had almost forgotten amidst the chaos of life.

In terms of my internship, I've already had two interviews, and the one I had my heart set on accepted my application. It's in Mont Kiara, a place I never thought I'd have the opportunity to explore. Shamelin has been a part of my identity for as long as I can remember, but now I'm excited to step outside its familiar boundaries between 9 to 5 on weekdays.

My personal space has expanded and become more comfortable, reflecting the growth I've experienced. In every corner of this room, I've left pieces of myself, creating a sanctuary that feels uniquely mine. And alongside me, there's Osmen, a constant companion who brings me solace. I continue to channel my creativity through journaling, an ongoing outlet for my thoughts and emotions whenever inspiration strikes.

That's where I stand at the moment. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, self-discovery and growth. And through it all, I carry a sense of gratitude for the experiences that have shaped me. Life is a complex tapestry of moments, and I'm learning to embrace each thread as it weaves itself into my story.

Always in my thoughts,

Present me

Date a girl who reads. Who spends her money more on best selling books rather than on trending clothes. A girl who has not enough space in her closet because she has too much but not enough books. Date a girl who updates a list of books she wants to read every week, a girl who dreamt about having a library card since she was a kid rather than a credit card. 

Find a girl who reads. She's the one with an unread book in her purse. She's the one you can see her head popping in and out of the the bookshelves of a bookstore, the one who quietly does her victory dance in between the shelves once she found her book she was looking for. Who's the chick stuffing her face inside those books? That's the reader. They can never resist the temptation of smelling those yellow, worn & inked pages. 

She's the girl waiting for her dad to pick her up at the coffee shop she usually goes to. Take a look at her cup and you can see her coffee is still there, cold and untouched. By looking at her lip gloss stained on the cup, she probably took one sip and that's when the barista called her name after that she was too focused on her book to think about her thirst. Take a sit and prepare to be glared, girls who read doesn't like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book. 

Buy her her second round of her favourite coffee with your name on the cup. 

Start a conversation about Murukami and what you think about him. Ask her questions about the plot of The Lord of The Rings just to see she even got through the first chapter. Understand that if she says she understood Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code she is just trying to look intelligent. Ask her what she thought Alice would've be if she didn't fell down the rabbit hole, ask her have she ever wanted to be Alice. 

Dating a girl who reads is less complicated. Give her a book for her birthday, to congratulate her, for anniversaries. Show her your love for her in a form of poetry or a quote from her favourite book, show her that words are equivalent to love. Give her Shakespear, Wilde, Sylvia Plath. Understand that she knows the borderline between books and reality but that doesn't stop her from making her life sounds a little bit like the main character in her favourite book. 

Lie to her if you need to. A girl who understand syntax knows behind words there's motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It's not the end of the world. 

Fail her. A girl who reads knows failure leads to climax. She understands that everything must come to an end but you can always come up with a sequel. You can start over and over again and still be the hero. She understands that life is meant to have a villain or two. 

You shouldn't be afraid of what you're not. Girls who reads understands that people are like characters, they develop. 

If you find a girl who reads, keep her. When she's clutching a book she's just finished while weeping, make her her favourite green tea and hold her. You may feel like you've lost her for an hour or two but she'll find her way back to you. She'll talk to you about the characters as if they were real, as if they were close to her because for a moment, they always are. 

You will propose to her during a concert or on someone else's flash mob. Probably on sick days, just over Skype. 

You will smile so hard you'll think it's impossible for your skin not to rip open and bleed yourself out by then. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names that she thought of, kids with even stranger tastes in everything. She'll introduce them to the huge cats who wear hats all the time and that wimpy kid with series of diaries. Watch her whisper Lang Leav's creation in your first born's ears on the first day back from the hospital. 

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve someone who's seen the world and has lived many lives just because of some dusty books she found in her old closet. If you can only giver her monotony, a sound of her own self breathing and cheap proposals then you're better off alone. But if you want a a world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. 

Or better yet, date a girl who writes. 

I've never been in love & I've never been in a relationship & I'll never settle for less. I don't want mediocre love. I want the kind of love that keeps me up at night. I don't want to be a relationship. It's almost 2016, we don't have to label someone as their girlfriend or boyfriend. I don't want to be labeled as someone's girlfriend. I want skinny love. I want to be in love with someone who's in love with me without having declaring them as mine. We know we're eachothers & we don't need anniversaries & labels to prove it. I want to be in love with someone who I know I will end up marrying with. I want to be like one of those two people look and ask "are you guys together?" And we would answer no. Those two people where people look & say "you two look good together". I want people teasing us that we're in love with each other but never to admit it. I want to be in love with the person who's been there for me and the person I always look after. I want to be in love with someone who has no problem with distance heck distance made us fall for each other even more. I want to fall for someone who looks at me when I look away. I want to fall for a friend that I end up marrying with. I want to be in love with a backs each other up. I want to look in the eyes of a friend & all I can see in his eyes are the words "I'm gonna marry this girl some day" 

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you.

And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks.

And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later.

And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

me, without anxiety, drinking loose leaf earl grey tea and eating freshly baked bread somewhere where the air is cool and wet with someone who makes me feel valuable and safe.