I honestly, it feels great to reconnect with my creative side purely for the joy of it, rather than for work. This week, I've been writing, blogging, editing pictures just for fun, dabbling in digital scrapbooking, and even creating a playlist for pure enjoyment. It's like I've been transported back to 2017, when creativity flowed effortlessly.

In addition, I dyed my hair blue yesterday and snapped a few pictures. It's amazing how something as simple as changing my hair color can make me feel good about myself, and surprisingly, I don't feel weighed down by depression.

This newfound creative energy has rekindled a sense of vitality within me. It's as if I've unlocked a hidden reservoir of inspiration that was waiting to be tapped into. Engaging in these activities has brought back a certain zest for life, reminiscent of a vibrant painting bursting with color. 

It's 3:26 am, and I'm currently immersed in the soothing melodies of "Hotel" by Montell Fish. I find myself at a loss for words, but I'm attempting to pour out my emotions onto the screen, as if my fingers haven't expressed my innermost thoughts in quite some time. So here it goes...

Once again, I was left behind. It no longer surprises me, though it still stings. It doesn't hurt as intensely as the last time, but the pain lingers. We began talking in January, and truth be told, things weren't great even then. Yet, it felt comforting to have someone who understood how I felt. He was kind and reassuring, or so it seemed. However, he remained largely unavailable. The reassurance he offered turned out to be woven with lies and manipulation.

We couldn't progress further due to the turmoil of his parents' divorce, and reluctantly, I accepted that reality. With a heavy heart, I embraced it. Little did I know that a month later, another person's name would appear on his Instagram. It wasn't so much about him, but rather the recurrence of the same feeling of unworthiness that pierced my soul.

Apart from that, life seems to be okay. Work is just work, nothing extraordinary. I find myself with an increasing amount of idle time, lacking something to truly look forward to.

I find solace in the simplicity of my existence. For I believe, deep within the depths of my soul, that I was put on this earth for a purpose so beautifully uncomplicated. It is a purpose that resonates with the hearts of many, embracing the essence of relatability.

To love and nourish my feline companion, whose soft purrs and gentle gaze bring forth an indescribable joy within my being. In her presence, I have found an unwavering source of companionship and a love that transcends the boundaries of language. In this sacred bond, we navigate life together, reminding each other of the profound significance of unconditional love.

To lose myself in the pages of ancient books, their weathered covers revealing the treasures of countless narratives. As I turn each page, I am transported to far-off lands, traversing time and space alongside remarkable characters. These books are not mere ink on paper but gateways to alternate realities, captivating my imagination and enriching my soul with every word absorbed.

To savor the aromatic embrace of morning coffee, its tantalizing scent awakening my senses and invigorating my spirit. With each sip, I am infused with a comforting warmth that permeates my entire being. It is a ritual that marks the beginning of a new day, providing me with the strength and fortitude to face the challenges that lie ahead, one caffeinated moment at a time.

To don big, tattered sweaters on languid weekends, embracing their oversized embrace as a shield against the demands of the world. In their comforting folds, I find sanctuary from the expectations and pressures of society. It is a reminder that self-care is a cherished necessity, allowing me to indulge in comfort and simply be myself, unapologetically.

To fill the pages of my journal with keepsakes, those precious moments and musings that etch themselves upon the tapestry of my existence. In the act of writing, I weave the threads of my thoughts, hopes, and fears, creating a vivid tapestry of my innermost self. These words, inked onto paper, become a testament to my journey, a testament that whispers, "You are here, and you matter."

For in these seemingly ordinary pursuits lies a profound truth. We find solace in the simplicity of life's little joys, the embrace of love, the worlds contained within books, the warmth of coffee, the comfort of well-worn garments, and the sacred act of documenting our experiences. It is within these moments that we discover our true selves and connect with the universal longing for contentment and purpose.

I adored you, once upon a time, when the world was painted in hues of innocence and trust. Your presence was like a comforting breeze, your smile a beacon of warmth that could melt the coldest hearts. We shared moments brimming with laughter and tenderness, woven together with the threads of a beautiful bond. But alas, life has a cruel way of unraveling the most cherished connections.

You just had to change, didn't you? The gradual transformation seeped into every facet of your being, casting shadows upon the brilliance I once admired. Your smile, once genuine and captivating, began to wear a mask of deceit. Its radiance now harbored a hidden agenda, concealing the truth behind a carefully constructed facade. I could no longer trust the sincerity that once danced in your eyes.

And then there was your touch, once tender and reassuring. It used to ignite a spark of comfort deep within me, like the soft caress of a summer breeze against my skin. But as time passed, that touch transformed into something else entirely. It became a weapon of manipulation, leaving behind a trail of scars etched upon my soul. Each contact sent shivers down my spine, no longer from delight, but from the fear of the unknown.

The transformation was subtle, at first, like a ripple on a tranquil pond. But as the waves grew stronger, so did my awareness of the changes in you. It felt as though I was trapped in a twisted labyrinth, desperately searching for the path we once walked together, only to find it swallowed by the darkness of your altered self. I longed for the way things used to be, the innocence we once shared, but it seemed like a distant memory now.

My heart mourned the loss of the person I adored, the one who ignited a flame within me. I yearned for the return of that genuine smile, the touch that offered solace instead of pain. But sometimes, love isn't enough to salvage what has been tainted by change. So, with a heavy heart, I must release my grip on the person you used to be, bidding farewell to the illusions that once held me captive.

April hasn't been a good month for me, so it was kind of predictable how my birthday would go. Leading up to my special day, I wasn't feeling like myself. I was feeling lost, overwhelmed, and unable to focus on anything. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did, and it was taking a toll on me. But then, something magical happened on the day before my birthday.

I had the opportunity to meet up with some friends I hadn't seen in what felt like an eternity. As soon as we got together, the air was filled with excitement and joy. We laughed, we talked, and we shared stories of our separate journeys through life. It was as if time hadn't passed at all, and we effortlessly slipped back into the comfort of our friendship.

We decided to make the most of the day and embrace the company we had missed for so long. We set out on a delightful adventure, exploring the city and indulging in the simple pleasures of life. The aroma of delicious food wafted through the air as we wandered into a bustling bazaar ramadhan. The vibrant colors and lively atmosphere filled my heart with a sense of belonging and happiness.

As we strolled through the bazaar, we couldn't resist sampling various mouthwatering treats. We savored every bite, savoring not only the delicious food but also the delightful conversations and laughter that accompanied each moment. It was a feast for our senses and a balm for our weary souls.

Afterward, we found a tranquil park to break our fast together. The setting sun cast a warm golden glow, enveloping us in a peaceful serenity. We sat on a cozy blanket, sharing meals prepared with love and care, while the sounds of laughter and camaraderie echoed through the air. It was a moment of pure bliss, a respite from the chaos of the world.

Surrounded by the good energy of my friends, I couldn't help but feel grateful. Grateful for their presence, their unwavering support, and their ability to uplift my spirits. In their company, my worries and troubles seemed to fade away, replaced by a renewed sense of hope and optimism.

As the evening drew to a close, we bid farewell with promises to stay connected and reunite more frequently. Although my birthday was still on the horizon, the day before had already gifted me with something priceless—the reminder that in the midst of life's challenges, the bonds we forge with loved ones can illuminate even the darkest times.

So, as I went to bed that night, I carried the magic of the day in my heart, knowing that despite the struggles I had faced, my birthday would be special. Surrounded by the love and good energy I had experienced, I was ready to embrace whatever the day had in store for me with a newfound sense of joy and gratitude.

She wore moonlight like lingerie, the soft glow clinging to her like a delicate whisper. Her ethereal beauty was enshrined in the night, a celestial tapestry woven into her very essence. As she walked through the darkness, her steps seemed to leave a trail of stardust, a shimmering path that led to a world unseen.

Her eyes, like twin pools of liquid silver, sparkled with a depth that mirrored the vastness of the universe. They held secrets untold, mysteries waiting to be unraveled. With each blink, she cast a spell upon the night, drawing souls into her captivating gaze.

Her skin, porcelain pale, seemed to radiate with the luminescence of a thousand full moons. It glowed softly, like a lustrous pearl bathed in a celestial glow. The moon's embrace had caressed her, leaving behind a whispered kiss upon her flesh that enchanted all who dared to look upon her.

Her hair, cascading down her back in waves of shimmering ebony, appeared as though it had been spun from the midnight sky itself. Tiny specks of stardust mingled within its strands, glistening like distant constellations. With every sway and movement, it trailed behind her, an ethereal cloak that whispered tales of cosmic wonders.

She danced with the stars, twirling and spinning amidst the vast expanse of the night. Her movements were fluid, graceful, as though she had been born of the moon and stars. The night breeze caressed her, lifting her like a feather, as she moved in perfect harmony with the universe.

Her laughter, a melody of pure joy, echoed through the night. It resonated with the celestial symphony, harmonizing with the twinkling of distant galaxies. Each note carried the promise of dreams fulfilled, of wishes whispered to the night sky, and the magic that lay hidden within the deepest corners of our hearts.

In her presence, the world stood still. Time lost its meaning as she embraced the essence of the night. She was the embodiment of moonlight, a celestial being draped in its gentle glow. And those fortunate enough to witness her radiance were forever touched by the beauty of a universe held within her soul.

For she wore moonlight like lingerie, a celestial seductress who captivated hearts with her otherworldly allure. And in her presence, the night became a tapestry of dreams, where the boundaries between reality and fantasy blurred into a seamless dance beneath the starlit sky.

I am awake. Tired, sleepy, and in pain—physically and mentally. The weight of my emotions crashes over me like a relentless wave, threatening to drag me under. If I focus, if I listen closely, I can almost hear the sound of my blood coursing through my veins, a frantic symphony of life desperately trying to keep me afloat. That's where I am now. Struggling to hold myself together, to cling to the fragile thread of sanity that keeps me going. My heart beats too fast, a wild drumroll of anxiety that I hadn't even realized until now.

What am I so worried about? Perhaps it's the knowledge that next week, I won't find solace in the familiar embrace of my own home. Or maybe it's the overwhelming realization that I have a mountain of tasks to conquer, each one demanding my attention, yet I find myself immobilized, unable to take even the smallest step forward. And then there's the sickening ache of missing those I haven't even parted with yet, a pang of longing that tugs at my heartstrings, threatening to unravel me before I've even begun.

But there's something else too—a discovery of an unfamiliar emotion that has taken root within me. It's something I never thought I would feel, never anticipated, and now I am too terrified to admit it even to myself. Its presence unsettles me, shaking the foundations of who I thought I was. Yet, I can't deny its existence, nor the power it holds over me.

"I will be okay, I will be okay," I unconsciously whisper to myself, like a mantra in the quiet moments. And it's true, I am okay, at least sometimes. Mostly during the daylight hours when distractions cloak my unease. Or when exhaustion engulfs me, and the comforting oblivion of sleep becomes my sanctuary. But there are certain hours when I just can't bear it anymore, when the weight becomes unbearable and threatens to consume me entirely.

I've heard stories of spontaneous human combustion, the sudden eruption of one's body into flames. It sounds absurd, fantastical even, but in moments like these, it feels strangely plausible. The intensity of my emotions, the overwhelming pressure building inside, it feels as if I could combust at any given moment. And yet, here I am, still holding on, still fighting the inferno raging within.

a revised version of what I wrote