back from the dead

Days like these remind me that sad days don't matter, and gloomy days remind me that days like today don't matter either. But in this moment, the first perspective might be true.

I had completely forgotten about my old self as a social butterfly. I had forgotten the confidence I once possessed, the ease with which I approached others, and the joy I felt in connecting with people. I used to be able to walk up to a guy and suggest going out for lunch without a second thought. Large groups of people didn't intimidate me; instead, they offered an opportunity for me to shine, to captivate with my words and ideas.

But somewhere along the way, I lost that part of myself. It wasn't just because of the pandemic; it started long before that. I transformed into someone who couldn't bear spending more than a couple of hours in a crowded room. Social anxiety took hold, overwhelming me with the fear of judgment and rejection. I became the person who preferred inviting others to my home, where I could control the environment, rather than venturing out into the unpredictable world.

Yet, today, something changed. Today, I was reminded of the social butterfly that still resides within me, waiting to spread its wings once more. I felt a pang of nostalgia for the days when I was out and about with my friends, filling the air with laughter and excitement. I yearned for the times when I embraced life with a vivacious spirit, unafraid to be seen and heard. This realization made me understand that the person I used to be wasn't just a phase of youth or immaturity; it was an authentic part of me that I had suppressed out of necessity.

Perhaps it's time to reclaim that part of myself, to break free from the chains of anxiety and self-doubt. Days like today remind me that I'm capable of embracing life's vibrancy once again, of stepping out into the world and allowing myself to be seen in all my imperfect glory. It won't be easy, and it may require a journey of self-discovery and healing, but the prospect of reuniting with my social butterfly self fills me with hope.

Today may feel overwhelming, and the weight of my current struggles may seem insurmountable, but I won't let it define me. I'll remember the person I used to be, the person I still am deep down, and I'll find the strength to emerge from this cocoon of isolation and fear. Because in the end, it's not about outgrowing a persona, but about rediscovering and embracing all the facets of my true self.