What am I so fucking terrified of?
I am awake. Tired, sleepy, and in pain—physically and mentally. The weight of my emotions crashes over me like a relentless wave, threatening to drag me under. If I focus, if I listen closely, I can almost hear the sound of my blood coursing through my veins, a frantic symphony of life desperately trying to keep me afloat. That's where I am now. Struggling to hold myself together, to cling to the fragile thread of sanity that keeps me going. My heart beats too fast, a wild drumroll of anxiety that I hadn't even realized until now.
What am I so worried about? Perhaps it's the knowledge that next week, I won't find solace in the familiar embrace of my own home. Or maybe it's the overwhelming realization that I have a mountain of tasks to conquer, each one demanding my attention, yet I find myself immobilized, unable to take even the smallest step forward. And then there's the sickening ache of missing those I haven't even parted with yet, a pang of longing that tugs at my heartstrings, threatening to unravel me before I've even begun.
But there's something else too—a discovery of an unfamiliar emotion that has taken root within me. It's something I never thought I would feel, never anticipated, and now I am too terrified to admit it even to myself. Its presence unsettles me, shaking the foundations of who I thought I was. Yet, I can't deny its existence, nor the power it holds over me.
"I will be okay, I will be okay," I unconsciously whisper to myself, like a mantra in the quiet moments. And it's true, I am okay, at least sometimes. Mostly during the daylight hours when distractions cloak my unease. Or when exhaustion engulfs me, and the comforting oblivion of sleep becomes my sanctuary. But there are certain hours when I just can't bear it anymore, when the weight becomes unbearable and threatens to consume me entirely.
I've heard stories of spontaneous human combustion, the sudden eruption of one's body into flames. It sounds absurd, fantastical even, but in moments like these, it feels strangely plausible. The intensity of my emotions, the overwhelming pressure building inside, it feels as if I could combust at any given moment. And yet, here I am, still holding on, still fighting the inferno raging within.
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