Another Year, Still Me

I guess we’re keeping up with tradition. Another year, another letter to myself. Consider this my annual time capsule.

Today might not be the best day to be doing this. Mentally,,, it hasn’t been great. But I’ll try to focus on the positives.

Let’s rip the bandage off: Mother died.
I’m not sure I want to get into it. It’s etched in my mind anyway, and I’m sure a year from now, I’ll still remember it vividly. It was sudden, yet expected. Quick, fast, and every synonym that means the same.

It’s been seven months. I’ve been coping. Things are… okay. I think about it often, though not as painfully as before. Nights don’t feel heavy anymore. It’s the small moments that hit — the urge to tell her something and realizing I can’t.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for not thinking about her as much as I used to. Seven months isn’t that long, and yet I feel fine. And I shouldn’t, right? But things are fine. I almost have to convince myself that I shouldn’t be fine.

It’s also been a while since anyone’s asked how I’m really doing. One of my friends even forgot that she passed this year. I don’t talk about my grief publicly anymore; it doesn’t feel comfortable. Instead, I joke about it. And honestly? I think I’m hilarious as hell.

Since this letter is meant for me, I’ll say it: ever since her death, I’ve noticed I lack empathy. I just can’t seem to put myself in the shoes of people who’ve gone through anything less than I have. It’s unfair, I know. But I can’t help it. It feels like empathy was a switch, and on March 19th, it got turned off.

Anywayyyy moving on.
Good news: I’m still employed. Two years in the same job now. I don’t have my second job anymore, so yes, still broke but grateful nonetheless. The job is actually perfect. A few cons here and there, but overall, I’m lucky.

And now, for my favorite part of these letters: the love life update.
Still the same. No real progress. I’m talking to someone at the moment, but honestly, I don’t see it going anywhere.

My friends, though, they’ve been the real love of my life this year. It’s been hard, but I think the reason I’ve managed to feel okay this soon, even after everything, is because of them.

That’s about it. See you again next year.

With love,
Me.