Karmic Writer
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I STARTED TO LOVE 



“I started to love, really love. a person specifically, and the best feeling in the world especially when i don’t feel like I’m the only one in it. no one told me you become selfless when you start loving someone. this isn’t not knowing what your worth is. trust me, i know that feeling. this feeling is the exact opposite. this feeling is wholesome. it brings the good side of you.” 
November 17th, 2019

In moments of quiet reflection, I find myself delving into the past, turning the pages of old journals and rediscovering the person I used to be. How amusing it is to reread the words I once penned about the people who once graced my life. Those musings now appear as hazy snapshots, distorted and colored by the passage of time.

What brings a smile to my face is the realization that my perceptions back then were entirely incorrect. I thought I had them figured out, those individuals who held such significance in my world. Yet, it turns out that my judgments were mere illusions, veiled by my own limited understanding. Some of them, I now realize, were akin to near-death experiences, plunging me into depths of despair and heartache. Others simply ceased to resonate with my being, no longer aligning with the person I had become. Time has a way of reshaping our connections, rearranging the pieces of the puzzle until they no longer fit.

But what truly tickles my spirit is the possibility that I might hold similar sentiments now, albeit directed towards a different cast of characters. The laughter bubbles up within me as I ponder this ironic twist. Perhaps it is a testament to my sincerity, my unwavering ability to see people for who they truly are, shedding the layers of my own misconceptions. Or, quite possibly, it serves as a humbling reminder that I failed to learn my lesson from the past.

Ah, the ever-evolving tapestry of human connections! It is an intricate dance of fleeting emotions, shifting perspectives, and the eternal search for resonance. I carry the lessons of yesteryears within me, etched into the fabric of my being. They whisper in my ear, cautioning me against hasty judgments and encouraging me to embrace the fluidity of life's encounters.




As of right now, I believe it is clear that I am the source of the problem and that I have been reverting to my old habits and behaviors. Often, I find myself clinging to people, expecting them to conform to my desires and act in a specific manner. And time and time again, they never do, leaving me hurt and wounded as a result. But in the depths of my despair, my future self stands by, clutching their fist in anguish, as I reassure them and my present self that I am fine and will eventually be fine.

Although I manage to navigate these challenging situations without visible scars, I soon find myself caught in the same cycle, repeating my patterns with someone new. I'm not certain what the scientific terminology for this self-inflicted condition is, but one thing is clear: I have no intention of putting an end to it anytime soon.

I exist in a perpetual state of conflict, torn between being fully present in the moment and engaging in actions that would promote my own well-being and happiness. The decision-making process eludes me, and I am burdened with the belief that I alone bear the responsibility for making choices. It appears that others have it easier (though deep down I know this assumption is flawed, and I remind myself of it constantly), effortlessly encountering the right people at the right time, engaging in occasional healthy disagreements, and, while not guaranteeing a happily-ever-after, embarking on journeys that ultimately lead somewhere. Meanwhile, I remain a captive of my own past.

There are days when my memory becomes a blank slate, erasing certain moments when I have faced the worst of circumstances. It's possible that these experiences were not as gruesome as my imagination led me to believe, or perhaps my memory is deliberately shielding me from recalling those painful events. This realization has prompted me to rediscover the habit of writing, contemplating its return on a daily basis in the near future. Not for any specific purpose, but solely to preserve a record of the events transpiring in my life.

Always at the forefront of my thoughts, I strive to reconcile the turmoil within me, to break free from the cycle that perpetuates my self-inflicted wounds. While I may be the source of my own problems, I also hold the potential to be the catalyst for positive change. Through self-reflection and an unwavering commitment to growth, I hope to one day find solace in the present, untethered by the shackles of my past.

Yours sincerely,

Present me


 


Like everything I've done has been a sham. Until today, I've been a shell of my former self. In retrospect, I wonder, "Who was she? When I finally asked myself, "Why did she do that?" everything started to make sense. I'm there in the moment, and I'm aware of it. I used to feel like I was playing a game.

For so long, I've been drifting through life, haunted by a sense of emptiness. Regret was my constant companion, weighing me down with every step. But this year, something changed. It was as if a flicker of light ignited within me, and I began to truly embrace who I am. It's a rarity to find myself surrounded by people I genuinely enjoy, but when it happens, it's only with those who truly bring me joy. This newfound clarity has transformed my existence, and it's been a welcome change of pace.

Of course, there are still moments of hardship and challenges along the way. But even those bitter experiences hold a bittersweet beauty, for they serve as reminders of the lessons I've learned. Life has a way of guiding us through both highs and lows, shaping us into stronger individuals.

As a linguistics student, I recently completed my degree. The three years that once seemed never-ending suddenly passed by in a flash. From the time of the outbreak to the reopening of the university, I anxiously awaited a placement for my internship. So much has transpired in such a short span of time.

This month, I can proudly say that I've achieved success through hard work and dedication. I've made a conscious effort to spend quality time with the people who matter most to me, and as a result, I've found a newfound stability. I've rediscovered the joys of traveling and taking care of myself, things I had almost forgotten amidst the chaos of life.

In terms of my internship, I've already had two interviews, and the one I had my heart set on accepted my application. It's in Mont Kiara, a place I never thought I'd have the opportunity to explore. Shamelin has been a part of my identity for as long as I can remember, but now I'm excited to step outside its familiar boundaries between 9 to 5 on weekdays.

My personal space has expanded and become more comfortable, reflecting the growth I've experienced. In every corner of this room, I've left pieces of myself, creating a sanctuary that feels uniquely mine. And alongside me, there's Osmen, a constant companion who brings me solace. I continue to channel my creativity through journaling, an ongoing outlet for my thoughts and emotions whenever inspiration strikes.

That's where I stand at the moment. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, self-discovery and growth. And through it all, I carry a sense of gratitude for the experiences that have shaped me. Life is a complex tapestry of moments, and I'm learning to embrace each thread as it weaves itself into my story.

Always in my thoughts,

Present me

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      • November 17th, 2019
      • is it easier for other people?
      • god bless

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  • letters to myself
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