is it easier for other people?

As of right now, I believe it is clear that I am the source of the problem and that I have been reverting to my old habits and behaviors. Often, I find myself clinging to people, expecting them to conform to my desires and act in a specific manner. And time and time again, they never do, leaving me hurt and wounded as a result. But in the depths of my despair, my future self stands by, clutching their fist in anguish, as I reassure them and my present self that I am fine and will eventually be fine.

Although I manage to navigate these challenging situations without visible scars, I soon find myself caught in the same cycle, repeating my patterns with someone new. I'm not certain what the scientific terminology for this self-inflicted condition is, but one thing is clear: I have no intention of putting an end to it anytime soon.

I exist in a perpetual state of conflict, torn between being fully present in the moment and engaging in actions that would promote my own well-being and happiness. The decision-making process eludes me, and I am burdened with the belief that I alone bear the responsibility for making choices. It appears that others have it easier (though deep down I know this assumption is flawed, and I remind myself of it constantly), effortlessly encountering the right people at the right time, engaging in occasional healthy disagreements, and, while not guaranteeing a happily-ever-after, embarking on journeys that ultimately lead somewhere. Meanwhile, I remain a captive of my own past.

There are days when my memory becomes a blank slate, erasing certain moments when I have faced the worst of circumstances. It's possible that these experiences were not as gruesome as my imagination led me to believe, or perhaps my memory is deliberately shielding me from recalling those painful events. This realization has prompted me to rediscover the habit of writing, contemplating its return on a daily basis in the near future. Not for any specific purpose, but solely to preserve a record of the events transpiring in my life.

Always at the forefront of my thoughts, I strive to reconcile the turmoil within me, to break free from the cycle that perpetuates my self-inflicted wounds. While I may be the source of my own problems, I also hold the potential to be the catalyst for positive change. Through self-reflection and an unwavering commitment to growth, I hope to one day find solace in the present, untethered by the shackles of my past.

Yours sincerely,

Present me