what was all that apologizing for?

I guess I found one difference between me now and the old me. Looking back at my old entries, I was constantly blaming myself. Constantly. For loving too much, when emoting the slightest emotion, for being valid, for just existing, I felt the need to blame myself. And reading it now makes me feel so, so sorry for her. All that apologizing was so unnecessary, and to be frank, those I apologized to deserved no such thing.

I'm not saying now I am unaware of the things I'm clearly in the wrong for, but I know what I'm allowed to feel. I'm allowed to love loudly and cry when I want to. I'm allowed to be offended. I'm allowed to feel things, goddammit.

In the past, I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, as if every misstep, every stumble, was entirely my fault. I would internalize the pain, the hurt, and convince myself that it was my inadequacy that caused it all. I'd weave a web of self-blame, entangling my heart in a never-ending cycle of remorse.

But now, I see things differently. I've come to understand that I am not responsible for the actions and emotions of others. I am not the sole architect of my own happiness or anyone else's. I have learned that my existence alone is not a burden or a problem to be solved.

It's liberating, this newfound realization. It's as if a veil has been lifted, revealing a world where my emotions are valid, where I am allowed to take up space and express myself authentically. I no longer need to apologize for my tears or my laughter, for the depth of my love or the strength of my convictions.

I can love fiercely, passionately, without restraint. I can feel joy and sadness, anger and excitement, without the suffocating weight of guilt pressing down on me. I can speak my mind and stand my ground, unapologetically. I can be unapologetically me.

It's a gradual process, shedding the layers of self-blame and learning to embrace my own worth. But with each passing day, I grow stronger in my conviction that I am allowed to be human, with all the messy, beautiful emotions that come with it.

So, to the old me, I say this: I'm sorry for the unnecessary apologies. I'm sorry for shouldering the blame that was never mine to bear. But I'm grateful for the journey, for the lessons learned along the way. And now, I stand here, unburdened by the need to blame myself, ready to embrace life with open arms and an open heart.

For I know that I am deserving of love, of happiness, of every emotion that courses through my veins. And from this day forward, I will live boldly, unafraid to feel, unafraid to be me.