I’m slowly learning to love my body. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to accept my appearance, although not in the way I had hoped, and after enduring a torturous process to get here.

Growing up fat has made an impact on me. You could say it helped me develop my personality and character. But my love for how I looked was something I had to sacrifice.

I find it hard to believe people find me attractive. I had the urge to let people know about me, even parts they don’t deserve to, just to show them I can offer other things. And yet, that didn't improve matters much.

People do find me attractive after years of self-loathing and convincing myself that I do not have to change for other people. I was never a fan of extreme measures so I did what I could. A haircut, piercings, change of style.

A small part of me still gets jealous when I see other people and wonders what could have been. I’ve accepted the way I have and have proof that my look isn’t that bad. I’m not saying it’s a good type of proof, but still proof.

A year ago I would've stated I don't have any regrets in life. However, one year later, I do have a handful of them. To start, there are the things that I've done. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would tell myself not to do certain things that I have done. nothing particularly significant that may set off a chain reaction. But enough to make a difference in the way things turned out. It's possible that things would have turned out differently if I hadn't seen my friends that night or if I had opted to stay in my apartment instead. I could have prevented myself from coming into contact with certain people, as well as a great deal of stress throughout my life. Perhaps the outcome would have been different if I hadn't asked for help in the first place. It's not that I'm not appreciative of the way things are right now, but as I mentioned before, there isn't a whole lot that could create a significant change in my life.

And then there's the kind of regret that makes you wonder what might have been if things had gone differently. how different my life would have been having I only made the decision to do it back when I had the chance. Surprisingly, the regret linked with something you did is quite distinct from the regret associated with something you did not do. If you don't take action on something, you'll end yourself dwelling on the past and wondering what you could have done differently to make things better for yourself.

In any case, neither one of them can be altered by your actions. You simply cannot travel through time in order to prevent yourself from engaging in a particular activity or coming into contact with a particular person. You also can't travel back in time to tell your past self what you should have done because that's not possible.

As I've already mentioned, here I am, ruminating about things that I just have no control over.

It's incredible how I keep coming back to this place merely to express my happiness and gratitude for what I have. It seems to be the only thing I can think of to talk about at the moment. As has been stated numerous times before, this year has unquestionably taken a turn. I was miserable, self-loathing, and at rock bottom, and I didn't even realize it at the time, but now I'm as high as you could possibly be on drugs, and I didn't even know it.

In the quiet solitude of my heart, I extend my sincere wishes for a joyous Ramadan to you. As the holy month unfolds before us, I find myself reflecting upon the journey I have embarked upon, one that has largely been about my personal growth and self-discovery.

Reminiscing about the past, I recall the Ramadan of the previous year. Although I felt a sense of solitude back then, I still had friends who stood by my side, ready to join me for Sahur, the pre-dawn meal, or to break fast together in the evenings. It was a time of togetherness, where the bonds of friendship were fortified by our shared devotion. Furthermore, I was occupied with work, which served as a constant companion, diverting my attention from the feelings of solitude that occasionally crept in. And in those moments when I longed for companionship, I had someone dependable, a go-to person, upon whom I could rely.

Yet, as this year's Ramadan dawns upon me, I find myself in a different place, both physically and mentally. I am alone. But in the depths of my being, I have come to embrace this solitude as a companion of its own. It is through this solitude that I have begun to find solace and nourishment for my soul. It has become a space for introspection, a canvas upon which I can paint the colors of self-discovery.

In this stillness, I am learning to embrace my own company, finding contentment within myself. The absence of external distractions has granted me the opportunity to delve into the depths of my being, to explore the intricacies of my thoughts and emotions. Through this process, I am unraveling the layers that shroud my true essence, unveiling the person I am meant to become.

While I may miss the camaraderie of previous Ramadans, I believe that this period of solitude holds its own unique benefits. It is a time of self-nurturing, where I can focus solely on my spiritual growth and nourish the flame of faith within me. In the stillness of the night, I find myself turning to prayer and contemplation, seeking a deeper connection with the Divine.

Though the path may seem solitary, I know that the lessons learned during this Ramadan will have a lasting impact on my life. Through the solitude, I am learning self-reliance and resilience. I am discovering the strength that lies within, as I draw closer to my own essence and purpose.

I STARTED TO LOVE 

Like everything I've done has been a sham. Until today, I've been a shell of my former self. In retrospect, I wonder, "Who was she? When I finally asked myself, "Why did she do that?" everything started to make sense. I'm there in the moment, and I'm aware of it. I used to feel like I was playing a game.

For so long, I've been drifting through life, haunted by a sense of emptiness. Regret was my constant companion, weighing me down with every step. But this year, something changed. It was as if a flicker of light ignited within me, and I began to truly embrace who I am. It's a rarity to find myself surrounded by people I genuinely enjoy, but when it happens, it's only with those who truly bring me joy. This newfound clarity has transformed my existence, and it's been a welcome change of pace.

Of course, there are still moments of hardship and challenges along the way. But even those bitter experiences hold a bittersweet beauty, for they serve as reminders of the lessons I've learned. Life has a way of guiding us through both highs and lows, shaping us into stronger individuals.

As a linguistics student, I recently completed my degree. The three years that once seemed never-ending suddenly passed by in a flash. From the time of the outbreak to the reopening of the university, I anxiously awaited a placement for my internship. So much has transpired in such a short span of time.

This month, I can proudly say that I've achieved success through hard work and dedication. I've made a conscious effort to spend quality time with the people who matter most to me, and as a result, I've found a newfound stability. I've rediscovered the joys of traveling and taking care of myself, things I had almost forgotten amidst the chaos of life.

In terms of my internship, I've already had two interviews, and the one I had my heart set on accepted my application. It's in Mont Kiara, a place I never thought I'd have the opportunity to explore. Shamelin has been a part of my identity for as long as I can remember, but now I'm excited to step outside its familiar boundaries between 9 to 5 on weekdays.

My personal space has expanded and become more comfortable, reflecting the growth I've experienced. In every corner of this room, I've left pieces of myself, creating a sanctuary that feels uniquely mine. And alongside me, there's Osmen, a constant companion who brings me solace. I continue to channel my creativity through journaling, an ongoing outlet for my thoughts and emotions whenever inspiration strikes.

That's where I stand at the moment. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, self-discovery and growth. And through it all, I carry a sense of gratitude for the experiences that have shaped me. Life is a complex tapestry of moments, and I'm learning to embrace each thread as it weaves itself into my story.

Always in my thoughts,

Present me