Karmic Writer
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It feels unfair that some people have discovered what love is so early in their lives. No, not family love—the kind that’s expected. Families are supposed to love you; it’s the bare minimum. They’re the souls you’re placed on earth to be with, and I have that. But I mean the kind of love that has to be built—the kind rooted in a deep connection, where every small detail matters. Whether it’s the way someone’s smile breaks or how their mind wanders over a simple question—anything, really, that makes you think: This is my person.

Some people find that love long before their first paycheck, their college degree, or even their first phone. And the really lucky ones? They find it so early they barely recognize it as luck. It’s a long journey, they say, growing together while growing apart, navigating arguments, misunderstandings, and miscommunications. A long journey before you realize the person beside you is the one you’ll walk with forever.

The lucky ones rarely see themselves as lucky. But I do. They don’t know what they have—or what others lack.

Those of us who are less fortunate find love in other places. In the cracks of bad luck, in corners of ourselves we never expected, or by simply waiting, hoping that life will bring it our way. I’ve been all of those—floating from feeling to feeling, chasing whatever brings comfort in the moment. They say the love within ourselves is the true purpose of life, the one path to real contentment. And maybe they’re right. But even so, loneliness has a way of creeping in, toppling that self-love when you least expect it.

I guess God is fair. No one gets it all. The lucky ones might find love early but lack in other ways, while the rest of us thrive where they stumble. Maybe that’s just how things are meant to be.


I'm back here again, not that it's a bad thing. I suppose lonely nights have a way of bringing me back to my thoughts. It's a Friday night, and honestly, I'm living my best life at the moment. I have a great job that I excel at, and I regularly spend time with my friends. However, solitary Friday nights always affect me, especially if my plans for the night fell through.

Nevertheless, these lonely Friday nights have made me ponder. It occurs to me that certain people, whom I used to think about so often, may not think of me at all. Who are these people? Well, I don't know exactly. Perhaps those individuals I believed would never forget me due to the way they mistreated me. Despite convincing myself that I am unforgettable and the best thing that happened to them, the truth is, that's a falsehood.

In reality, they will likely find someone better than me—someone kinder, softer, more gentle, and more understanding. Someone who aligns more with their preferences, someone who simply isn't me. I continue to be the girl who was left behind, remaining hurt and perhaps in an even worse state. But regardless, I stay true to who I am, left and gutted. 

If evidence ever surfaced proving the existence of a higher power orchestrating the balance between good and bad, fate and hope, then my life is that proof. The moment arrived when positivity finally knocked on my door, ushering out all the negativity. The phone rang, its tone carrying the promise of hope, and as I answered, a wave of anticipation swept over me. Memories of anxious days, tearful nights, and the constant worry of unemployment flashed before my eyes. I clung to the phone, yearning for this call to be the turning point in my life. Miraculously, it was.

I've never been particularly religious, though I believe with all the sincerity and faith I can muster. The practice, however, has felt burdensome, especially during these past challenging weeks. I found myself resenting the fact that I only sought solace in God during my darkest hours, even though, in reality, turning to Him should never be a burden. I prayed, perhaps not as fervently as I should have, but I prayed nonetheless.

Then came yesterday morning's phone call, a divine proclamation that whispered, "I am here, and this is for you; do not forget me." I never intended to craft a narrative that sounded sanctimonious, but in these moments, my faith in the higher powers resonates loudly within me. Gratitude, thankfulness, and an abundance of faith flood my being. I secured the job I longed for—the very one I fervently prayed for, shedding tears to the heavens. The opportunity presented itself, radiating in all its glory, and now my new life begins.

Suddenly, the bad days lose their sting, the dark times appear conquerable, and every fiber of my being trusts in the trajectory of my life.

I promised myself I wouldn't write about temporary people, especially those I know will only be a fleeting presence in my life. But it's a promise I've never been able to keep. So here I am, wide awake at 4 am, putting my thoughts to words about you. I've been trying to distract myself from this, but every time I see you, I can't help but feel a deep longing. I want to know you better, open up to you, and have you in my life in some way. I'm well aware we've been through this countless times before.

I can't deceive myself by claiming there's no one else like you out there. In all honesty, I'm sure there are many who share your way of thinking, speaking, and responding. But after each encounter with you, I can't help but want you all over again. This feeling has persisted since the first time we met, even when we were both seeing other people. I doubt I'll ever get to express this to you directly, but at least I can share it here.

You strike me as someone with whom I could spend hours conversing, or simply listening to your thoughts and stories. Your perspective on the world, your insights into how it should work, your tales from 10th grade, and your nuggets of life advice, despite your youth, all captivate me. I'm not typically drawn to younger individuals, but there's something about you that's different. I can't say for certain what it would be like if we were together, but I'm willing to give it a try.

– ⚽

Seeking Inspiration

It has come to a point in my blogging journey where I find myself in need of fresh ideas. I'm currently at a creative crossroads, which is surprising considering I used to make a living out of writing blogs. It's a bit perplexing because I can't quite pinpoint my niche anymore.

Embracing Spontaneity

I've evolved into a more spontaneous writer, allowing my emotions and passions to guide my words. While I understand that this isn't a full-fledged career, it still holds immense personal value for me. There's an undeniable sense of gratification that comes with expressing my thoughts and feelings, even if it feels like no one's reading.

The Pitfalls of Overthinking

But the moment I start overthinking and exerting too much effort into finding the right words, that's when my content takes a nosedive in quality. It's disheartening to admit, but I fear this very post might be headed in that direction.

The Ominous Silence

The process feels increasingly monotonous, and my mind seems eerily silent. Some might argue that this silence is a form of peace, a chance for introspection. Yet, I see it as nothing less than writer's block, an obstacle I must overcome to rediscover my passion and creativity.

I don't talk about October enough, and I apologize to myself. Life has been tough on me, something I mention in every post, tweet, caption, but October has been so kind, and I'm eternally grateful. Unemployment has felt like the weight of the world on me, but with October, it didn't feel that way.

October 5th - Sabrina took me out for lunch at Tujoh in PJ. The food wasn't the best, but the company was.

October 6th - It was my last day of work. I was loved. We went out for lunch with the team, and the girls even bought me a custom cake to send me off. A core memory for real. The night of, I met the loves of my life, my friends. They surprised me with a dinner. When I had a new job, I had planned to eat with my friends, but that fell through, even the job. But these lovelies planned it all together, and I felt loved for the second time.

October 14th - I met with Megat. We went for a cheap lunch, went to a cafe, took hundreds of pics. God bless Megat for dealing with me trying to find the right angle, and spent the rest of the night eating a good burger and enjoying a live band.

October 21st - I went out on a date with a guy I really thought was the love of my life. He isn't, but it was still a good time, one to remember.

October 22nd - Dyed my hair. RIP hair, but it looks good.

October 26th - Celebrated Mush's birthday with karaoke with Aida and Thira, ending the night hanging out with Alip.

October 28th - Spent the night with Harith.

October 29th - Finally met up with Any. We caught up and it still felt like nothing changed. I ended up at Harith's again that night.

And in between, there was a lot of "me time" that I appreciated. Nights of movies, series, and music, catching up on my sleep. I love October. The best month so far.




I looked back to what I wrote in November 2018. As usual, I was sad over a boy. I honestly don't remember who it was about. 2018 felt like years ago, and that feeling is something I don't remember anymore. But I assume that when I wrote it, I felt the weight of the world. "Would I go back to you? If I spend too much time in the thoughts of the times we spent together, maybe I would. Would I want to? I'm not so sure." Like, okay? Who hurt me this bad? It's so funny to read back on it. Not just this, but every painful feeling I had before this, especially the ones I don't remember. When people say, "this too shall pass," I guess they were right. It passed, but my God, did it hurt. But I got over the hurt. I'm not exactly hurt at the moment. I don't know what I am right now, but this too shall pass, right?

I wish to look back on my entries and feel something, I assume. So here goes an endless stream of written words about my life that ends here. The useless piece of information or the gut-wrenching confession, it's all written here. As of now, it's just the mundane life of being at home 24/7, saying only 5 words per day, and only to myself. I sleep through the day, waking up only to reply to emails and staying up all night following up on said emails, discovering movies I never knew existed. Five days a week and repeat, hoping that one of these days that would change.

Every few days, I get to see familiar faces, and those days are tomorrow. I get to see Amy and Mimi again. The band is back together? It's hard to tell. I guess a little backstory for my future self reading this wouldn't hurt. Amy, Mimi, and I drifted apart due to what we adults called life. We simply stopped seeing each other. Of course, there's more to that, but let's not get into harsh details. But when we used to spend every waking moment seeing each other's faces, I guess it was a time I didn't appreciate enough. There were bad times, but there were definitely good times. I remember having the worst heartbreak I've ever felt in my entire life. They don't know this, but being surrounded by them stopped me from not wanting to be alive anymore. I couldn't actually drown myself in pills when there's no private time. And that isn't a bad thing. We had good times, and tomorrow we get to see each other again, hoping the feeling is the same.

As much as I try to avoid writing about you, I find it impossible to resist. Please, don't flatter yourself. Writing is in my blood, and it's my way of processing my emotions. So, once again, this is about you.

You may never know this, but last week, I made a conscious decision to stop writing about the people I love, those who've left their marks, whether sweet or painful, on my life. I resolved to focus solely on you. I considered you my ultimate source of inspiration; there wouldn't be another muse. Even if there were, I wanted you to be the one I remembered forever, the muse I could speak highly of.

However, that plan fell apart in less than a week when you made it clear that you wanted no part of me. After all, what's an artist without their muse? So I erased everything – you, the past, the emotions that felt so real. Maybe they were, but you made it seem like it was all in my head, as it always had been. I deleted those words, as if they never existed, as if I never felt them, for you and everyone who came before you.

But this isn't the point of what I'm writing now. I've decided to write, endlessly, about you, anyone from my past, or anyone in the future. I won't stop pouring out my feelings until they dry up. That's a decision I've made on my own.

Whether it's about you or someone else, the emotions I experience in any given moment are as real as they can be.

So, with that said, here's to you.

Surprisingly, I don't hate you. Truth be told, I got over you rather quickly. Well, nothing compares to the pain of rejection from a company, but that's a story for another day. I was sad, I must admit. I experienced the usual heart-dropping, tear-inducing feelings that always accompany such moments. I couldn't be alone that night, and you reminded me that I have good friends. Thanks for that, by the way.

You also showed me how mature I've become when it comes to handling my emotions. No more impulsive decisions or foolish declarations of love for someone who clearly doesn't want me. Although it did take a night of knocking on my friend's door with bloodshot eyes, I consider it progress. I accepted what you told me; it was difficult, but I made peace with it. I don't hold any hatred for you.

Were your lies necessary? No, they never are. But that just revealed that you're not perfect; you never were. The idealized image of you in my head shattered instantly, and this time, I'm the one doing the breaking. The thought of being with you no longer occupies my mind – it never should have in the first place. I simply craved love.

This isn't a love letter or a letter of rage; it's just a blog entry.

– ✈️



What exactly takes the pain away? Here I am at 12:41 am attempting to put my pain into words once again. So what does take the pain away? Some would agree it would be death, since life is sometimes just a series of pain over and over again. One might feel like death, but sometimes it might hurt a little less than before. But death isn't an option right now. I don't know why, honestly. Do I feel like it? Yes, but is it wise? Not really. I know deep down I have so much to live for, so much to do, so much to offer to the world. And that, I assume, is in the future. But what about right now? What will it take to alleviate how I'm feeling, right? Friends? Family? Therapy and a two-month prescription for drugs I have to live with for the rest of my life? A feeling that I can't exactly point my finger at. Anger? Betrayal? Loneliness? All of that, and because of what? So many unanswered questions, so few answers. The people in my head better be paying rent because all these thoughts are truly unnecessary.

October 29, 2023

Dear Future Me,

This letter is dedicated to you, or rather, to the me that exists a year from now. In 2023, things haven't exactly been on our side. It might not have been as disastrous as 2021, but it did put us through the wringer. Our heart endured two breakups this year. It's quite ironic how we once believed that life's most profound lessons were learned only once, right? However, this year shattered that notion; it seems like pain is a recurring theme in our life. I wonder how many times we must experience it before we truly understand its purpose.

As of now, we've been without a job for a whole month, despite countless interviews. It's been a challenging road, and just when we thought we had escaped the darkest corners of our mind, we were pulled right back in. Honestly, we're growing weary of it all.

Right now, we feel incredibly unlovable, and I'm not sure how to comfort us. We've often told ourselves that the right person will come along, but I'm beginning to question whether love is meant for us. Experiencing heartbreak twice in a single year feels like twice too much. Was it our fault? Perhaps. Will we overcome it? Undoubtedly, but at this moment, everything is still fresh and raw. So, I'm penning this letter for you to read in one year, praying to the higher powers that things will change.

A year from now, I hope you can read this and tell me that indeed, things have transformed. I hope we've strived for what we want because, honestly, we have close to nothing left. Once again, we've been stripped of everything we once possessed – every ounce of happiness, confidence, faith, and hope. Admitting to myself that we've been drifting away because of the trials we've faced is difficult. I pray that one year from today, I'll find my faith again. I genuinely believe it's possible.

So, a year from now, read this letter with all the gratitude in the world. Cherish it and pray for us. Pray for the changes we hope to see, for the strength to face what's ahead, and for the love we seek. May our future be brighter and filled with hope.


Sincerely,

2023 you


Dear 2022 Me,

I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to bring you up to speed on the whirlwind of changes and experiences that have unfolded since your last entry in the journal of life. Hold onto your hat, because some pretty significant shifts have taken place in the short time since you last checked in.

First and foremost, I quit my job. I can already hear your gasp of surprise. I know, you probably remember that amazing job promotion last year, and it did bring a sense of accomplishment. However, as time went on, the daily grind, the early mornings, and the constant traveling were taking their toll on us. The work-life balance was out of whack, and something had to give. So, here I am, on the job hunt, four weeks of joblessness behind me, and a sense of looming insanity creeping in.

We don't go on as many dates as we used to. Life has been throwing challenges at us, and the number of bodies now stands at eleven. Yes, I know you're probably doing a double-take at that number. Things got interesting in our dating life, didn't they? Last year was quite the rollercoaster, and this year we've only added two more to our count. We've been seeing the same two people consistently – one of them being our long-standing friend, and the other recently broke up with his girlfriend. But you might want to sit down for this one: I've decided to put a pause on dating altogether. Yes, you heard that right. We've met someone extraordinary, and I hope, someday, they might be more than just a number in our list. This change wasn't for them; it was for us. We realized some important things and decided to make a shift.

Now, let's talk about loneliness. It's still here, lurking in the shadows. But I believe we've been managing it better this year. Our friends remain an incredible source of support and joy. We've seen them from time to time, even made some new friends, and, just like last year, we're still navigating this journey alone. Though, brace yourself for a surprise – we've gained some and lost some friends this year. You wouldn't believe who it is, but trust me, there have been some unexpected twists.

In a nutshell, this year has been quite a challenge for us. April, our birth month, was a tough one. We reached a breaking point and had to take an unpaid leave to find some relief. Our hearts, well, they got tangled up again. It might not have been as brutal as what we experienced before, but it still stung.

Most of the months this year have felt like I've been operating in zombie mode. Life has thrown us for a loop, but we're still here, pushing forward, and learning as we go. It's a journey with ups and downs, but I'm hopeful that we're growing stronger and wiser with each passing day.

So, 2022 Me, I hope you're doing well, and I'll keep you updated as the journey unfolds. Remember, life is full of surprises, and change can be both challenging and rewarding. Hang in there, and keep moving forward.


With love,

Your 2023 Self

No one had prepared me for the anxiety that would come with managing the constant stream of communication from recruiters, encompassing phone calls, emails, and text messages. And then there's the intricate task of ensuring that interview schedules don't collide, whether they take place virtually or involve a commute just a few stations away. Yes, I have my trusty planner, adorned with the appearance of someone who has it all together, but currently, it's a maze of appointments and commitments.

Since Sunday, my health has taken a significant downturn, leading me to reschedule the interview I had lined up for Monday. That decision came with a heavy feeling of guilt, as if I were neglecting my responsibilities by staying home and being unemployed. While I have been diligently responding to emails and submitting job applications, the guilt still clings to me like an unwelcome shadow.

I've been on this relentless job search without a proper day of rest since the journey began. Consequently, the unfamiliar terrain of self-indulgence feels rather disconcerting. Today, I defied expectations and opted not to attend the scheduled interview, simply because I wasn't up for it. Given that my health showed no signs of improvement, it seemed more prudent to remain at home.

 

Yesterday marked the end of my journey at work, and while on the surface it didn't feel like a significant event, there was an underlying weight to it. I couldn't help but sense that, if I allowed myself to dwell on it, it would take me days to fully process what this step meant for my life moving forward. As October ushered in a new season, it hadn't brought any respite or improvement in my circumstances. While I acknowledged the many things I had to be grateful for, I couldn't deny that this year, in general, had been a challenging one for me. Yet, it was crucial for me to remember that some aspects of life are beyond our control.

So there I stood, at the threshold of my former office, taking my final step out. My work laptop had been meticulously cleared, my desk sat empty, and all the memories of the past year and a half had been carefully stowed away in my drawers. It was a moment of closure, yet it was also a moment filled with uncertainty. However, I wasn't alone in this transition; I carried the weight of a strong support system on my shoulders. Despite not having another job lined up and the prospect of no more monthly income, everyone around me was incredibly supportive, affirming that the decision I had made was, in fact, the best one I'd ever made.

Upon returning home, I decided to meet up with a friend, and to my delightful surprise, I was met with not just one friend, but an entire group of them. The day had been orchestrated in my honor. Even though this new chapter sometimes felt like I was straying from the path I should be on, the presence of my friends was a reassuring reminder that I was embarking on the next phase of my life, and they were there to wholeheartedly congratulate me on this momentous step.

I suppose it's high time for an update, given the last time I had a heart-to-heart with myself. These past few months have taken quite a toll on me, though I remained oblivious until someone else had to point it out. That someone happened to be my parents, who made it painfully clear that the child they once knew, the happy, cheerful, and quick-witted version of me, had seemingly vanished. In her place, they saw only an overworked corporate drone, a shell of the person I used to be.

It didn't truly hit me just how dire the situation had become until my parents uttered those fateful words: "You need to leave." At first, I assumed they meant leave for work, but it wasn't just about employment. It was about losing my financial security, about struggling to pay rent, and ultimately, it meant returning to the place I thought I'd left behind when I embarked on my six-year journey into adulthood in the bustling city.

When the phrase "just quit" escaped my mother's lips, I felt an incredible weight lift off my shoulders, and my eyes welled up with tears of relief. No more financial responsibilities, no more monetary constraints, and no more agonizing over what meal I could afford without revisiting the same tired options I'd grown sick of. But then came the creeping realization: I was elated, yes, but was I truly prepared to abandon it all, to return to a place I no longer recognized as the home of my childhood?

Despite my reservations, I made the choice to go through with it. The more I contemplated, the more I feared I might lose the courage to follow through. People described me as "bold" when they learned I'd quit my job without a backup plan. So, since that moment, I've spent countless hours clicking the "apply" button on job websites, sending out resumes, and enduring endless rounds of "tell me about yourself" questions.

The city had been my home for six transformative years, and severing that connection felt like an immense sacrifice. I wasn't quite ready to bid it farewell, but I also didn't want to bear the heavy burden of adulthood, as they say.

There's just something about high school friends that has always amazed me – they have a unique way of sticking around, even long after those school days are over. My journey with these friends, though not from my own school, has been nothing short of extraordinary. They embraced me in a way that made me feel like I was one of them, an integral part of their group.

If I dwell on it long enough, it seems almost unbelievable. I was once an outsider, standing on the fringes, looking in on their close-knit circle. I never imagined that I could find such a deep connection with people who were not originally part of my life. But here I am today, and I can say with certainty that I am one of them, and they are a part of me.

Through all the highs and lows we've faced together, I have grown inseparable from these cherished individuals. As life took us on different paths, and we momentarily drifted apart, I felt myself changing. I thought I had lost touch with who I was when I was with them. I believed that I had undergone some fundamental transformation, losing the essence of myself in the process.

Yet, when the fates brought us together again, a remarkable revelation struck me – I had never truly lost myself. They didn't change me; instead, they brought out the purest version of myself. It was as if their presence, their support, and their love acted as a catalyst to unlock the most authentic side of me. And in that revelation, I found comfort and reassurance.

It's true; I possess different aspects of my personality, each with its own unique charm. None of these sides are bad; they all make up who I am. However, when I'm with these high school friends, a particular facet comes to the forefront—the one that feels the most like me, the one that carries the essence of my hometown, my roots.

In a world that can sometimes be harsh and relentless, these friends are a grounding force, a reminder of where I came from, and the person I have always been. They carry a piece of me, of my past, and of the place that nurtured me. With them, I feel a sense of belonging that is unparalleled.

As we continue our journey through life together, I cherish the bond we share. High school may be behind us, but the friendships that blossomed during those formative years have grown deeper and stronger with time. They have given me a sense of identity and belonging that transcends time and distance.

In their presence, I am reminded of who I truly am and where I come from, and for that, I will forever be grateful. These high school friends of mine are more than just companions; they are the keepers of my past, the mirrors to my true self, and the carriers of a shared history that binds us together in ways that words cannot fully express.

You lied. You fucking lied to my face. All those months we spent talking, building a connection, sharing our lives, it was all a facade. Behind my back, you were entangled with another girl, weaving a web of deceit and betrayal. Each time you claimed to be busy, each time you said you couldn't make time for me, it was all a lie. And now, here I am, shattered and broken, while you bask in the happiness you found with someone else.

I trusted you. I believed every word you said, hanging on to the hope that we had something real. But it was all smoke and mirrors, a cruel game played at my expense. How could you do this to me? How could you watch me invest my heart and soul into something that was never genuine?

The pain is overwhelming. It consumes me, gnawing at my core, leaving me gasping for air. I try to make sense of it all, to understand why you would inflict such anguish upon me. But there are no answers that can quell the storm raging within my heart.

I am left here, struggling to recover from the wreckage of our shattered connection. I am left with the bitter taste of betrayal, the bitter realization that I was nothing more than a disposable placeholder in your life. The nights are filled with tears and sleepless agony, as I wonder what I did wrong, how I failed to see through your lies.



You know, being a writer can be a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, you're anxious about writing, the next, you're anxious about not writing. It's like a never-ending tug-of-war with your own thoughts.

And let's not forget the anticipation of people reading your stories. It's a mix of excitement and fear. Will they love it? Hate it? Will they even bother to read it? The uncertainty can drive you up the wall.

But then again, there's also the anxiety of people not reading your stories. It's like pouring your heart onto the page only for it to go unnoticed. It can be disheartening, to say the least.

And editing? Oh boy, that's a whole new level of anxiety. You're torn between wanting to perfect your work and being afraid of ruining it. It's a delicate dance of self-doubt and meticulous scrutiny.

But here's the catch: even when you're bursting with ideas, anxiety sneaks in. Having too many ideas can be overwhelming. You're drowning in a sea of possibilities, unsure of which one to pursue. It's like having a thousand puzzle pieces without a clue where to start.

Then there's the agony of not having any good ideas at all. The blank page stares back at you, mocking your creative drought. The fear of running out of inspiration gnaws at your soul.

And time, oh precious time. Not having enough of it is a constant struggle. You yearn for more moments to dedicate to your craft, to dive into your imagination. But ironically, having too much time can be equally daunting. The vast expanse stretches before you, and suddenly, the pressure to produce something remarkable becomes overwhelming.

So, you see, being a writer is a delicate balancing act. Anxious about writing, anxious about not writing. Anxious about readers, anxious about being ignored. Anxious about editing, anxious about ideas. Anxious about time, anxious about too much time. It's a wild ride, but one we willingly embrace, hoping that our words will resonate with someone out there.

People say, "Learn to be alone." They paint a picture of solitude as an idyllic sanctuary, where one can revel in the tranquility of their own company. "Enjoy your solitude, find a hobby," they say. "Find peace in your alone time." And yet, here I stand, having done all that for what feels like an eternity.

I have mastered the art of navigating the depths of isolation. I have traversed through the darkest corners of my existence, walking the lonely path through the shadows of my own mind. I have faced the demons that reside within, battling them with sheer resilience and unwavering determination. Through it all, I have been my own unwavering companion, picking up the shattered pieces of my soul, one fragment at a time.

But now, here I am, exhausted and depleted. The weariness has seeped into the marrow of my bones, and my spirit yearns for something more. It's not about wanting to be with someone, nor is it an inability to find solace in my own solitude. No, it runs deeper than that. I am simply sick of it all at this point.

I yearn for the warmth of human connection, the gentle touch that mends the fractures in my heart. I crave the laughter shared between kindred souls, the comfort of knowing that I am not alone in this vast, bewildering universe. It's the simple joy of sharing life's moments with someone who truly understands, someone who sees the world through the same kaleidoscope of emotions.

For so long, I have been a lone voyager, navigating uncharted waters with no lighthouse in sight. I have tasted the bitter sting of solitude and carried its weight upon my weary shoulders. But now, the weight has become too heavy, and my soul longs for respite from the burdens it has carried for far too long.

Now you're just another one of my problems. Life has a funny way of twisting and turning, leading us down unexpected paths. Once upon a time, you were everything to me, a beacon of light in my world. But now, you've become another weight on my shoulders.

I can still recall the days when our laughter filled the air, when we believed we could conquer anything together. Our love was once a tapestry of dreams, woven with hope and passion. But slowly, like the erosion of a mountain, our foundation began to crumble.

The fractures in our relationship were subtle at first, unspoken words and unfulfilled promises. We drifted apart, like two ships sailing in opposite directions, clinging only to fading memories. The love that held us together slipped through our grasp, leaving behind only regrets.

Every conversation became a struggle, filled with misunderstandings and frustration. We sought solace in each other's arms, but our touch felt hollow, devoid of the warmth that once ignited our souls. The flame that burned so brightly had extinguished, leaving behind only ashes.

And now, here we stand, facing the reality of what we've become. Laughter no longer echoes through the halls; instead, tears and arguments fill the silence. You were once the solution to my problems, but now, you've become one of them.

Yet, amidst the chaos, a part of me clings to the memories of our past. I remember your laughter, your smile that could light up the darkest room. It's hard to let go of something that was once beautiful, even when it's broken.

This month has been rather rough, to be honest. It feels like I'm caught in a slump, with one dreary day blending into the next. And when I reflect on this entire year, it's hard to find much to celebrate. It's been a string of disappointments, one after another. I find myself anxiously waiting for that sudden spike, a glimmer of hope that has often come to my rescue in the past. Will things finally take a turn for the better, or will this dreary state of affairs persist throughout the year?

I can't help but hope, even if it's a flicker of hope buried deep within me. It's a reminder of the strength and resilience I've demonstrated in the face of adversity before. However, the challenges I've faced this year have been particularly draining, testing the very core of my spirit.

That sudden spike, that unexpected stroke of luck that has always managed to uplift me—will it grace my life once again? It's like a ray of sunshine piercing through the storm clouds, bringing a renewed sense of joy and ease. I long for that feeling of elation when everything falls into place effortlessly, aligning with my desires.

Yet, as the days pass by, doubts creep in. Will this year defy the patterns I've come to expect? Will I be left to grapple with this cycle of hardship and disappointment? It's a haunting thought, threatening to overshadow the hope I cling to so desperately.

You know, it's funny how people from your past can sometimes paint a picture of you that's so outdated, it's practically a relic. It's like they're stuck in a time warp, holding onto memories that no longer reflect who you are today. So, if you ever happen to hear someone talking about me, just remember that they're describing a version of me they haven't bothered to get to know.

Sure, I've changed. We all do. Life molds us, shapes us into different beings with each passing experience. I'm not the same person I was back then, back when those individuals shared a piece of my story. They might recall the old quirks, the youthful dreams, and the insecurities that plagued me at the time. But they can't possibly grasp the growth I've undergone, the layers I've shed, and the wisdom I've acquired along the way.

It's like catching a glimpse of an old photograph and assuming that the frozen moment captures the entirety of who I am. But there's so much more to me than those faded snapshots. I've ventured through uncharted territories, tasted both triumph and defeat, and discovered a depth of resilience I never knew I possessed.

So, when they talk about me, listen with a grain of salt. Let their words pass through the filter of time and distance. Understand that they may cling to outdated narratives because change is uncomfortable, and embracing the unfamiliar is daunting. They may hold onto the past because it's familiar and safe.

There was a time when I found myself desperately pleading for someone to love me the way I loved them, and it remains one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life. The depths of my vulnerability were unfathomable as I laid bare my emotions, hoping against hope that they would reciprocate my affection. It was a humbling act, one that I had never imagined I would resort to.

Each day, I poured my heart out to them, showering them with an abundance of adoration and tenderness. I selflessly offered my love, as though it were a rare and precious treasure, longing for them to understand the magnitude of my feelings. But, alas, my efforts were in vain. I found myself begging, as if begging could compel someone to love you back.

In that moment, I compromised my own sense of self, relinquishing my dignity for a glimmer of hope. It was a bitter realization that love cannot be coerced or won through desperate pleas. Love is an organic, natural force that must flow freely, unencumbered by manipulation or force. I had lost sight of my own worth, allowing my heart to be overshadowed by the shadows of unrequited desire.

Perhaps there is merit in suffering, for it is from the depths of pain that an artist's true expression emerges. Can one truly create if consumed by unyielding happiness? Would the desire to create even exist? After all, what is art but a defiant protest against the harshness of life?

From my perspective, suffering serves a purpose in my artistic journey. It is during my darkest moments that my creativity flourishes. The weight of my anguish becomes the foundation upon which I build my art, each piece reflecting the depth of my emotions.

Art, in its essence, is a rebellion against the cruelties and uncertainties of existence. With every brushstroke or written word, I challenge the oppressive forces that surround me. My work becomes a vessel for the pain I endure, a testament to my resilience.

In the midst of sorrow, I find solace in my art. It is through my suffering that I discover the true depth of my creativity. The gloom and chaos of my mind become a canvas, where I translate my torment into visual or literary form. The result is a chaotic beauty, an echo of the turbulent symphony within me.

In contrast, when happiness envelops me, my artistic impulse dwindles. The brightness of the world, the laughter and warmth, offer little stimulation. How can I create something meaningful when my hands lack the imprints of tears? How can I compose when my heart has forgotten the melody of agony?

It is in suffering that my inspiration finds its source. The depths of my despair provide the wellspring from which I draw. Each stroke of the brush or word written carries the weight of my longing. Through suffering, I am compelled to transmute pain into something profound.

I remember the days when it was just you and me, entwined in the delicate dance of love's embrace. We would talk for hours, sharing our deepest thoughts and dreams. Your words painted a vivid portrait of our future, a tapestry of hope and togetherness. In those moments, I saw the best of you, and I loved every part.

But little did I know, there was a secret you held close, a betrayal concealed within your heart. You'd talk to her, even when we were together. Our connection wasn't enough to satisfy your hunger for her presence. Despite my unwavering love, you sought solace in her words, her laughter, and her touch. You craved something beyond what we had, and that shattered my soul.

I loved you at your worst, when your flaws were laid bare and vulnerability took hold. Through the storms of life, I stood by your side, offering comfort and understanding. I believed in the power of love, in its ability to heal and transform. But as I held you in your darkest moments, it seemed that my devotion meant nothing. The depths of my love were not enough to outweigh the allure of another.

It took you only two weeks to cast aside the promises we made and embrace a new connection with her. Two weeks of lies and deceit, while I remained oblivious to the truth. You didn't technically cheat, but you became a traitor to the love we shared. You broke the unspoken code of loyalty, trading our intimate bond for a fleeting connection with her.

  1. Traitor - Olivia Rodrigo
  2. Cool for the Summer (Rock Version) - Demi Lovato
  3. Memories - Conan Gray
  4. happier than ever - Loveless
  5. Japanese Denim - Daniel Caesar
  6. Ceilings - Lizzy McAlpine
  7. Fingers Crossed - Lauren Spencer Smith
  8. Fall in Love with You. - Montell Fish
  9. Girls Need Love (Remix) - Summer Walker, Drake
  10. THE LONELIEST - Måneskin
  11. Mr. Watson - Cruel Youth
  12. Evergreen (You Didn’t Deserve Me At All) - Omar Apollo
  13. Starlight - Muse
  14. Team - Lorde
  15. Die For You - Joji 

I don't blame you, but sometimes I wish we never met. It's not because you've caused me any harm or inflicted pain upon my heart. No, it's quite the opposite. You've brought me joy, love, and an array of emotions I never thought possible. But there are moments when the weight of our connection becomes too much to bear, and I find myself yearning for a life untouched by your presence.

Do you remember the first time our paths crossed? It was as if the universe conspired to bring us together, weaving our lives into an intricate tapestry of shared moments and shared dreams. I was drawn to your smile, your laughter, the way your eyes danced with a spark of mischief. And in that instant, I knew my world would never be the same.

But as time goes on, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if our destinies had never intertwined. Would I still have the same restless nights, longing for your touch? Would my heart ache with the bittersweet melodies of memories we created, only to fade away like whispers in the wind?

You see, it's not that I regret our connection. It's that I often question if our paths were meant to merge, if our love was destined to be entangled in this cosmic dance. Sometimes, in the darkest hours of the night, when silence envelops my thoughts, I ponder the possibility of a life untouched by the heartache that accompanies such profound affection.

In this alternate reality, I imagine myself as a solitary figure, wandering through the labyrinth of life without the echoes of your laughter in my ears. The ache in my chest dissipates, replaced by an unfamiliar emptiness. Yet, at times, even this void seems less daunting than the swirling tempest of emotions that accompany our connection.

But then, my mind drifts back to the memories we've built together. The warmth of your embrace, the tenderness of your words, and the way your presence brings solace to my weary soul. In those moments, I'm reminded of the depth of our bond, the love that courses through my veins, and the joy that you bring to my life.

So, my dear, while there are moments when I wish we never met, they are fleeting thoughts, washed away by the tide of affection that anchors me to you. I don't blame you for the complexities of our connection. Instead, I embrace the beauty and the challenges that come with loving you.

For in the end, it's the intertwining of our lives that shapes us into the individuals we are today. It's the shared laughter, the tears shed in each other's arms, and the growth that blossoms from our union. And even though the road ahead may be filled with uncertainty, I choose to walk it hand in hand with you, grateful for the love we share, despite the fleeting whispers of an alternate reality where we never met.

I guess I found one difference between me now and the old me. Looking back at my old entries, I was constantly blaming myself. Constantly. For loving too much, when emoting the slightest emotion, for being valid, for just existing, I felt the need to blame myself. And reading it now makes me feel so, so sorry for her. All that apologizing was so unnecessary, and to be frank, those I apologized to deserved no such thing.

I'm not saying now I am unaware of the things I'm clearly in the wrong for, but I know what I'm allowed to feel. I'm allowed to love loudly and cry when I want to. I'm allowed to be offended. I'm allowed to feel things, goddammit.

In the past, I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, as if every misstep, every stumble, was entirely my fault. I would internalize the pain, the hurt, and convince myself that it was my inadequacy that caused it all. I'd weave a web of self-blame, entangling my heart in a never-ending cycle of remorse.

But now, I see things differently. I've come to understand that I am not responsible for the actions and emotions of others. I am not the sole architect of my own happiness or anyone else's. I have learned that my existence alone is not a burden or a problem to be solved.

It's liberating, this newfound realization. It's as if a veil has been lifted, revealing a world where my emotions are valid, where I am allowed to take up space and express myself authentically. I no longer need to apologize for my tears or my laughter, for the depth of my love or the strength of my convictions.

I can love fiercely, passionately, without restraint. I can feel joy and sadness, anger and excitement, without the suffocating weight of guilt pressing down on me. I can speak my mind and stand my ground, unapologetically. I can be unapologetically me.

It's a gradual process, shedding the layers of self-blame and learning to embrace my own worth. But with each passing day, I grow stronger in my conviction that I am allowed to be human, with all the messy, beautiful emotions that come with it.

So, to the old me, I say this: I'm sorry for the unnecessary apologies. I'm sorry for shouldering the blame that was never mine to bear. But I'm grateful for the journey, for the lessons learned along the way. And now, I stand here, unburdened by the need to blame myself, ready to embrace life with open arms and an open heart.

For I know that I am deserving of love, of happiness, of every emotion that courses through my veins. And from this day forward, I will live boldly, unafraid to feel, unafraid to be me.

The morning after I tried killing myself, I found myself waking up to a world that felt indifferent to my existence. As I opened my eyes, the room was cloaked in a dim, melancholic light, casting long shadows across the walls. I expected the air to feel different, as if life had suddenly taken on a newfound vibrance, but it didn't. The skies weren't extra blue, nor were they filled with hope. They remained an unyielding expanse of gray, mirroring the heaviness in my heart.

The sounds of the streets outside carried on as they always had, a chaotic symphony of car engines, distant conversations, and hurried footsteps. But they didn't bring solace to my weary soul. The clamor seemed to grow louder, each noise a reminder of the life I so desperately wanted to escape. It felt as though the world had turned its back on me, its indifference a crushing weight upon my fragile shoulders.

The pain of the night before still clung to my body, a persistent ache that seeped into my bones. It was a physical manifestation of the turmoil within, a constant reminder of the depths from which I had tried to claw my way out. The wounds on my skin, still fresh and raw, served as scars of my battle with darkness. They whispered stories of despair, etched upon my flesh, and I couldn't escape their haunting presence.

The feeling of failure gnawed at my soul, its relentless grip tightening with each passing moment. I had hoped that the morning sun would bring clarity, that it would wash away the doubts and self-recrimination. But instead, I found myself drowning in a sea of remorse, unable to shake off the weight of my perceived inadequacies. The echoes of my perceived shortcomings reverberated in my mind, taunting me, mocking me.

In that desolate morning, I realized that the morning after isn't always a magical turning point. It's not always a moment of epiphany or a gateway to newfound appreciation for life. Sometimes, it's just another agonizing step in a long, winding journey. It's a reminder that healing takes time, that the scars we carry cannot be erased overnight.

But within the depths of despair, a flicker of hope remained, fragile yet resilient. It whispered of the possibility of healing, of growth, of finding solace in unexpected places. It reminded me that the journey was far from over, that there were still chapters left to write, stories yet to be told.

And so, with each passing day, I held onto that flicker of hope. I reached out for help, leaning on the kindness and compassion of others. I sought solace in art, in nature, and in the quiet moments of introspection. Slowly, imperceptibly, the pain began to lose its grip, and the darkness began to recede.

The morning after may not have been a miraculous transformation, but it was a small step forward—a testament to resilience and the enduring spirit of the human soul. It was a reminder that even in the darkest of moments, there is still the possibility of finding light. And with that glimmer of hope, I vowed to keep moving forward, to embrace the struggle, and to continue the arduous journey towards healing.

Where ambition can sometimes overshadow compassion, these extraordinary souls have become my guiding lights. They see beyond the facade of titles and hierarchy, understanding that true growth lies not in solitary advancement but in collective progress. They extend their hands not to push me down, but to uplift me, knowing that our achievements are intertwined, woven together in a tapestry of shared accomplishments.

When the weight of deadlines and expectations threatens to engulf my spirit, it is their unwavering support that steadies my trembling heart. They lend me their ears, listening earnestly to my ideas and concerns, nurturing them with empathy and understanding. Their encouragement breathes life into my aspirations, igniting the fire within me to strive harder, to dream bigger.

But it is not just in moments of triumph that their care shines. In times of adversity, they are my pillars of strength, standing firm beside me when the storm clouds gather. They offer their wisdom, their experiences, and their lessons learned, helping me navigate the treacherous terrain of challenges with resilience and grace. They share their vulnerabilities, revealing that even amidst their accomplishments, they too have faced doubts and setbacks. In their stories of resilience, I find solace, knowing that my journey is not one of isolation but of shared experiences.

I hope to wander through the corridors of your mind, leaving traces of my existence that stir a tempest within your soul. Yet, not in the gentle caress of fond memories, but rather in a way that unveils the jagged edges of your actions and brings forth a poignant ache you fail to grasp. May my presence be a haunting reminder of how callously you treated me, a mirror to reflect upon the darkness you once bestowed upon my heart.

I yearn to occupy your thoughts, not as a beacon of longing, but as a specter of realization. Let the weight of my absence fall upon your shoulders, unveiling the depth of your transgressions. For you see, no other soul could heal you as I did. No other being possessed the power to mold your essence into something greater, to ignite the flame of your potential. I crave that moment when the truth dawns upon you, an epiphany that I was the key to unlocking your hidden depths.

With each passing girl, I hope to dance upon the periphery of your consciousness. As their allure captivates your gaze, may it be my essence that whispers in your ear, reminding you of the void left by my departure. And as melodies fill the air, every note, every hum, every lyrical verse, I long to infiltrate your mind, threading myself within the fabric of your thoughts. Let my essence be intertwined with the very essence of your being, an inescapable presence that resonates within your core.

Even the mundane aspects of life should serve as reminders of my absence. When you open a book and lose yourself in its pages, may my name flutter across your mind, a pang of longing that stains each word. The strands of your hair, once touched by my fingers, should carry the weight of my memory. And when you savor your favorite meal, its taste should awaken the regret within you, a bitter aftertaste of what you let slip through your grasp.

Above all, I hope my phantom presence pushes you to the precipice of sanity. May the guilt you bear become an overwhelming burden, threatening to shatter the fragile fragments of your mind. Let it consume your thoughts, torment your dreams, and drive you to the brink of desperation. For in that darkness, perhaps you will understand the magnitude of your actions, and the magnitude of the love you discarded so carelessly.

 


Every morning, I find myself uncertain about what truly stirs me from slumber. It has become a mere obligation, something I must do without fully comprehending the consequences. The weekdays commence abruptly at 4:30 am with the piercing sound of my alarm, after a restless night of tossing and turning. With eyes still closed, I fumble around the bedside, desperately seeking respite from the explosive ringtone assaulting my eardrums. Although my body sinks into the bedsheet like sinking in quicksand, I force myself to gather strength and cleanse away the remnants of drowsiness with a bracing splash of cold water.

There is a peculiar allure to rummaging through my closet, a sense of excitement that arises when selecting my attire for the day. However, this thrill is diminished when performed in the solitude of a still-sleeping world. After pulling garments haphazardly and finally finding satisfaction in my chosen ensemble, it is time to embark on my journey to the train station.

Train rides have always held a certain fascination for me, particularly when the carriages are empty. I often ponder why I willingly subject myself to such an early awakening, only to relish in the solitude of those 20 minutes, perched upon the unyielding seat, gazing out at the tunnel's mysterious interior, surrounded by tranquility and chill. Bus rides, on the other hand, are an entirely different ordeal after 6:30 am; they become a grueling trial.

From 4:30 to 6:30 am, I find myself suddenly deposited at my designated location for five days a week. Armed with a steaming cup of coffee and a modest breakfast, these small indulgences provide the necessary fuel to keep me going in the morning. Prepared to tackle the next nine hours, I settle into my chair and let my fingers dance upon the keyboard. There's an ineffable charm to having the office all to myself, tricking me into believing that if the day unfolded in this manner, work wouldn't be so bad. Alas, that illusion is short-lived.

One by one, individuals enter my sphere, some welcomed with anticipation, while others evoke a sense of reluctance that I dare not sugarcoat. Time ambles along, at times crawling, at times sprinting, as I navigate through the demands of the day.

When the clock strikes 4:30 pm, I can no longer contain my impatience, although I must. Slowly, I begin packing my belongings and closing countless tabs, striving to conceal my excitement for the imminent departure. Twenty minutes later, I step out the door, repeating the arduous routine of bus and train rides, devoid of tranquility, burdened with people, stress, and an unyielding, jostling journey.

Upon reaching home, I collapse onto my bed, settling into a routine that may vary, involving dinner, a shower, and other necessary tasks. Before I know it, I am once again succumbing to sleep, and in the blink of an eye, it is 4:30 am once more.

Five days a week, I find myself questioning the true impetus behind my awakening. The answer eludes me, slipping through my fingers like sand.


 


September 2021 felt like a rebirth, though not in a positive way. It was a moment that struck me deeply, and its impact has lingered ever since. At times, it fades into the background, concealed by the facade of a well-functioning life. But on my darkest days, it resurfaces, reminding me that I can never return to who I once was.

Perhaps some would label it as trauma, but I am hesitant to accept that notion. I refuse to acknowledge that I allowed someone to inflict such damage upon me. It might have been less surprising if I had been the cause, but to allow another person to invade my being, coursing through my veins, intertwining with every fiber of my being, and then to witness them shatter everything from within—it feels foolish, even naive.

There is nothing I desire more than to proclaim that this phase has passed. To reassure myself with the timeless adage, "This too shall pass." Yet, I find myself questioning its validity. Will it truly fade away? This question haunts me daily. I wish I could aptly articulate the sensation, but it defies simple description. It is not a burden that I carry, like a lost traveler weighed down by an immense suitcase, desperately searching for the right train. No, it is more akin to being that traveler at the station, with a modest carry-on, prepared to embark on my journey. Yet, somehow, the train's regulations forbid small bags from boarding. Bizarre, isn't it? That's precisely how it feels. I now find myself waiting at the station, yearning for a compassionate conductor who will grant me passage, while stubbornly clutching onto my small bag. As fanciful as this may sound, I assure you it is tragically true. It permeates every action and influences every decision, as if I am a marionette, manipulated by an unseen puppeteer.

"It is by Allah's mercy that you are gentle to them; and had you been harsh and hardhearted, surely they would have scattered from around you. So excuse them, and plead for forgiveness for them, and consult them in the affairs, and once you are resolved, put your trust in Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who trust in Him." (Quran 3:159) I strive to hold steadfast to these words, but I must admit that some days are arduous. Some days, I manage to follow them, while on others, I choose not to.


Every time I think about you, a flame of anger dances within me, casting a shadow over the remnants of what we once had. It's a peculiar sensation, a fusion of resentment and longing, as if my heart is torn between two worlds. Seeing you happy, oblivious to the pain you caused, intensifies this mix of emotions, forcing me to question the fairness of life.

In the recesses of my mind, thoughts of you linger, but not in the way one might expect. It's not a desperate yearning for your return, nor an echo of lost affection. No, it's a haunting remembrance of how dare you. How dare you inflict such wounds upon my soul, leaving scars that may never fully heal.

I don't love you anymore. That's a truth I've come to accept, like the setting sun bidding farewell to the day. The love we once shared has withered, evaporating like morning dew beneath the scorching rays of reality. Yet, despite this newfound liberation from the chains of affection, there remains an odd fascination with your presence in my thoughts.

You see, you're like an enigmatic character in a novel, someone whose actions and motives provoke both frustration and intrigue. It's as if the ink that writes your story carries a bittersweet charm, drawing my pen to narrate the fragments of our shattered connection. Though the love has faded, the power you hold within my imagination remains captivating.

Maybe it's the contradiction that lies at the heart of human nature—the intertwining of resentment and fascination. It's a paradox we can all relate to, for we've all encountered moments of injustice, moments that make us question the cosmic fairness of it all. It's through this lens that my words seek to resonate with those who have known the sting of betrayal and the confusion of emotions that follow.

And so, I write about you. I write to unleash the fury and anguish that still linger within, to give voice to the thoughts and feelings that refuse to be silenced. Each word is a brushstroke on the canvas of my catharsis, an attempt to navigate the complexities of our shared history and the aftermath of your actions.

In this process, I find solace and healing, for writing grants me the power to redefine our narrative. It allows me to transform pain into art, to extract meaning from the chaos of emotions. You become a muse, a character upon whom I project my frustrations and aspirations, as I mold and shape the story that once held us together.

So, as the chapters of my life turn, and the memories of you fade into the distance, I no longer hold onto love, but rather the lessons learned. And you, my dear, become a captivating figure in the tapestry of my writing—fascinating, yet ultimately distant.

 


I don't think people truly grasp the extent to which I value friendships. Aside from my family, friendships have been the cornerstone of my life. Growing up, my world was filled with friends, and that's precisely why I hold them in such high regard. For me, they are the most precious and vital aspect of existence.

I understand that life can get overwhelmingly busy, but I firmly believe that should never be an excuse to disregard or neglect a friendship. If someone's idea of a low-maintenance friendship amounts to simply scrolling through my Instagram stories, then those aren't genuine friends.

I don't mind catching up every few months, or even every six months or once a year. All I ask for is to know that I've crossed their minds at least once. You see, my friends occupy my thoughts constantly. Perhaps I don't reach out immediately because I know I'm not the best at texting, but I always anticipate reconnecting when circumstances allow.

Some may consider my sentiments dramatic, but I've noticed this longing within me ever since the last time. Isn't it disheartening to witness a bond that dissipates without warning? Yes, I agree that a true friend is someone who stands by you during tough times, but in my opinion, it encompasses so much more.

It stings to realize that friends don't reciprocate the same level of care that I invest in them. It's a painful reminder of the discrepancy between how I treat them and how they treat me.


 


I'm at work, and I've finished all my tasks. Kelly isn't here today, and I've forgotten what it feels like to actually work again. I'm exhausted from writing nearly 6000 words of articles in just half a day. Right now, I'm simply jotting down my feelings, which, apart from tiredness, are a mix of excitement and anticipation.

I'm really looking forward to this week, anxiously waiting for good news from another company. What excites me the most about this opportunity is the potential it holds for my career. Just thinking about it fills me with a sense of thrill. And let's not forget the amazing 50% increment in salary. It's like a clear indication that my hard work is paying off.

The interview last week went really well, and one particular moment stands out in my memory. While I was waiting, a staff member looked at me and smiled, making a gesture of approval for my septum piercing. It was a cute interaction that put a smile on my face.

Now, as this week unfolds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the best possible outcome. However, I must admit, I'm also feeling a bit annoyed. I understand that borrowing money can be a challenge, and it's something I've faced myself. But I'm tired of people not checking in on how I'm doing and suddenly asking to borrow money. Nevertheless, I'm trying my best to maintain a positive mindset, and my hopes are high for positive news this week.


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